I’m Not the Church Lady | What do I get by remaining unforgiving?

||| I’M NOT THE CHURCH LADY by ROSIE KUHN |||

Am I willing to relinquish the belief that anyone—including me—is denied forgiveness?

I humbly admit that my initial intention in writing this post was to point a finger at religions and spiritual traditions because of their emphasis on sin. Honestly, I wanted to remain unforgiving and maintain my position of righteousness. There is something delightful and satisfying about believing that someone—or some institution—has gotten it wrong and deserves to be told so—by me!

Ooops!

As I began researching the concept of sin, however, I discovered that most religions and spiritual traditions do not treat sin as a permanent stain on the soul. Rather, sin is understood as a mistake—a choice that is not in right relationship with Source, God, Divine Intelligence, or whatever name you give to the Sacred.

Regardless of the language used, the invitation is essentially the same: to acknowledge when we have fallen out of alignment with ourselves, with others, with life and with the Source of our existence, and to take responsibility for restoring that relationship.

The principle of karma offers a similar understanding. Our choices have consequences. And through awareness, accountability and conscious action, we can restore harmony and integrity to our lives and all our relationships.

Dang it! Humbled again!!

This entire conversation began when I read a passage about sin in A Course in Miracles. It suggests that it is only in our human, consensus view of reality that sin is treated as permanent—like a stain that never comes out. As the Course states:

“Sin is the only thing in all the world that cannot change. It is immutable. And on its changelessness the world depends.”

This suggests that the world of blame, judgment and separation depends on the belief that some things—and some people—are fundamentally wrong—forever and ever, Amen.

But if sin is not immutable, as religions and spiritual traditions encourage, if everyone has the capacity to shift, and if beneath our mistakes we are innocence and love—then the entire structure of condemnation collapses.

Are we ready to agree to that? Are we willing to live as if all beings are expressions of Love? Am I ready for that? Am I willing? Jeesh.

If the answer is yes— that we are all innocence and love—then we are about to enter into a paradigm shift. If no one is beyond forgiveness, if no one is permanently stained by their worst decision, their greatest failure or the stories others continue to cling to… Again, are we ready?

Am I ready?

And this brings me to where this whole inquiry became painfully personal.

Unforgiveness Sucks

It sucks that I’ve yet to fully forgive my parents for being the parents that they were. It sucks that they never forgave me for being the daughter that I was. And it sucks that there are still other people I’m only now beginning to consider forgiving.

Why is it taking so long?

In the past, someone did something I thought was wrong. Perhaps they acted in a way I believed they never should have. My inner story, which I’m so attached to, goes something like this:

“They should have been different. They should have done it differently. Because of them, I…” And yet, who they are today may be people I deeply respect, trust, and love. Still, I find myself gnawing on what irked me years ago, as though the past remains more real than the person standing before me now.

This led me to question the foundations of my own unforgiveness.

What do I gain by continuing to remain unforgiving? What do I gain by holding on to a story about who someone used to be? Or, who I used to be?

What do I gain by continuing to live under the weight of how others may still see me? Just because someone else has not forgiven me, does that mean I have to keep living as though their judgment is the final truth about who I am? Am I willing to relinquish the belief that anyone—including myself—is beyond forgiveness?

Suffering Caused by Living in the Turmoil of Unforgiveness

One of the hardest truths to admit is that I am suffering. This suffering I experience is not because life is inherently cruel, but because I continue to live in the turmoil of unforgiveness. I replay the scenario. I rehearse a righteous response. I keep the wound alive. I insist that someone—an ex, a friend, my parents, my children, or even myself—must continue to live with my resentment and bitterness for what cannot be undone. And all the while, I am the one
suffering. Jeesh!

I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve re-enacted moments where I made choices—believing they were for the good of all. The cycle imprisons me. It diminishes the potential for growth in me and the relationship I want to deepen but can’t because I won’t let go of the identity, the story, the past.

It’s safe to say that this same dynamic plays out within families, cultures, religions throughout the world. Only because we humans have taken it upon ourselves to convict, condemn, and decide forgiveness is forever denied.

The world suffers because forgiveness is denied.

The Deepest Spiritual Question

For much of my life, the question was: “Because of my wrongdoings and wrongbeing, Am I still worthy of love?” But a more profound question has emerged: Am I willing to live in the truth that the source of my existence is Love itself?

If I can consider this possibility, then perhaps I don’t have to spend the rest of my life proving my worth and my innocence—because the Source of my existence never regarded any of us as guilty, unworthy, and unforgivable in the first place.

We Get to Choose

If Love is the source, then:

• My mistakes do not define me.
• Other people’s judgments do not define me.
• Shame is not my essence.
• Worthiness is not even a thing to be considered.
• Love is!

If Human Judgment is the source, then:

• My very existence diminishes my worth.
• There is no space outside rightdoing and wrongdoing to be in peace.
• I will always be defined by what other people tell me is true about me.
• Love, innocence, and belonging denied.

For me, my spiritual journey is the recovery of my innocence. I do this by living into the truth that the Source of our existence never agreed with the condemnation humans continue to uphold. I choose to practice noticing where and with whom I continue to deny forgiveness. For me, this is the only answer to alleviating my own personal suffering. And perhaps this alleviates the suffering of those to whom I have denied forgiveness.

Amen.