Midnight Mutterings: Helping

||| MIDNIGHT MUTTERINGS BY JACKIE BATES |||

(Note: I wrote this a few months ago, but instead of sending it off to Lin in a timely manner, I realized it was too preachy and forgot about it.)

Until tonight. That’s when I got a phone call from someone I barely know, who lives in another state, so there wasn’t the option of hopping in the car and appearing at her house with some medicinal chocolate, and a bit of delicate wisdom I do not possess.

Tonight’s call was so unexpected that the first part was clarifying exactly who the caller was and how we know each other. (We have a mutual friend, and met once a few years ago with that friend.) As for why she was calling–and why she was calling me specifically, was never exactly determined, and I’m pretty sure I failed her miserably. If I had taken her words at face value, I could have concluded that she phoned me to let me know that she was doing well, perfectly happy and content in her life and it just seemed like a good time to get in touch with me to let me know those things. For a half hour or so, we stumbled around, clearly not communicating, when she abruptly said she had to go and hung up. A few minutes later she phoned again, apologized for her abruptness and said she was glad I was doing so well, that it was good to hear from me and to feel free to call her when I needed to talk. Any time. ‘Never too late or too early to call.’ And we hung up for the second time. Somehow, these two inexplicable (to me) calls got me thinking about helping again, and I remembered my discarded column. I’m still clueless about how to be helpful in general and in particular, and how we can ask for and get the help we want and need. I do think my caller tonight was in need of something. Possibly just a human connection on a dark winter night. Maybe just drinking and dialing. Or maybe she called me by accident, and chose to fumble around a bit when I turned out not to be who she thought she was phoning. She did seem to know who I was long before the time I was able to understand who she was and how we know each other. So I don’t know. In any case, I’m pretty sure I wasn’t helpful. I still have all of the questions and none of the answers. Anyway, it kept me from having to write about football, which is another subject on my mind about which I have so many questions and no answers. And even less knowledge. Sigh.
So here’s the old column about helping although I’m still not happy with it:

I have been thinking about helping lately. Not helping by donating to your favorite candidate’s re-election, or helping your best friend who is having a hard time about something. The first is easy: get out your credit card and get online right now. The second is likely easier too. You and your best friend probably know each other well enough and trust each other enough for you to know how to help, or at least how to make yourself available for support when and where needed. And, as important, you know where and what to stay out of so you don’t make things worse.

What I’m talking about here is the more casual helping of neighbors or acquaintances you know and like but are not intimate friends, who have a sudden shift away from good fortune to accident, illness, breakup, or radical change of circumstances in one way or another. The latter is a time when ‘Call me if you need anything,’ no matter how sincerely stated, puts the burden on the sufferer, which is exactly what is NOT needed. That puts the responsibility on the victim of the catastrophe who has enough to think about and do already. And likely, this isn’t the time for a phone call unless you know the person really well. It might be the time for a text stating that you are thinking about the person at this time, that you’ll be delivering dinner for the family next Tuesday (unless there’s a better day) at 5:00, which you will leave on the doorstep and here are some choices that might be included. And that the recipient can reject any or all of the choices by return text without explanation and it won’t hurt your feelings at all. Also, note that they are free to pass the food on and are NOT to return containers or send a thank you note.

A couple of decades ago an acquaintance told me of a friend of hers who had an unexpected diagnosis of serious cancer that required hospitalization for immediate surgery and a long period of recovery at home. My acquaintance said she and other friends got together and divided up some chores. She told me that X was going to arrive at breakfast time, feed the kids, help them get ready, clean up the dishes and get the kids to school. Friend Y was going to pick the kids up after school, give them a snack and entertain them for exactly two hours before returning them to their home for the day, unless they would rather stay through dinner. After two weeks, they would reassess and adjust the plan as needed. The woman who was talking to me said she was Laundry. She would pick up dirty clothes, linens, etc. left out for her on Saturday morning. She then she would wash, dry and fold the laundry and returned it to the doorstep Tuesday early evening. Then she relayed to me the other chores other people were doing for the family of the newly diagnosed, including things husbands and boyfriends would do for and with the husband. Friend Z was on call as a substitute for whenever or whatever some part of the schedule needed a substitute or assistant. Of course this meant that the woman’s friends on Orcas knew each other and lived close enough to make it possible to help. One other note: they agreed and told their sick friend they would not visit unless specifically invited as to when and how long, and whoever did visit would share progress with the others so the sick person wouldn’t have to repeat herself.

I am reminded of Marlo Thomas’ 1972 children’s album that includes a song from a Shel Silverstein poem. Here are a few lines:

And some kind of help is the kind of help

That helping’s all about

And some kind of help is the kind of help

We all can do without