Jetsam & Flotsam | Flocking and Growling and Jowling and Bowling

— a semi-regular humor column by Maurice Austin —

The good news for those flocking to the San Juan Islands this winter is that the ferries tend to be quieter, unless you get stuck on a sailing with several young sports teams aboard, in which case the main cabin is awash in youthful yelps, and running about and full-body tackles, and relentless water-bottle challenge antics in the adjacent booth, with whoops and hollers, but at least the car deck is quieter, and the car alarms fewer. (It’s only a myth that it’s always a silver BMW owner that gets hailed over the com to return to the vehicle to secure the car alarm. Sometimes the BMW is blue.)

The bad news is that the number of EA-18G Growler flights over these our tranquil isles will likely increase from 88,600 flights per year to “more than 129,000,” according to a Seattle Times article dated November 10, 2016. The sound of such freedom is as loud, of course, as anything that burns 1,300 gallons of jet fuel per hour.

It’s got some on Whidbey Island calling “Foul!” since by the Navy’s own admission, prolonged exposure to Growler flights produces harmful effects on par with attending a season of Metallica concerts or volunteering in a school cafeteria for a week or attending presidential election protests in Portland, where calling “Foul!” might just become a new college major, if it hasn’t already, but Navy planners have stuck with the name “Growler” rather than “Fouler” since that would be like a thumb in the ear, and “Fowler” isn’t going anywhere, either, since most migratory waterfowl have chosen quieter climes, lest their ears explode before duck hunters can explode them themselves.

Sure, sure, depression, and anxiety, and insomnia, and elevated blood pressure, and hearing loss, and a decreased shell-to-bird ratio might result from the increased Growler activity, but it’s a small price to pay, says the Navy, if you can hear them, by which they mean it’s your price to pay, because this upgrade from “Prowler” to “Growler” while skipping the steps of “Owler” and “Howler” has saved countless eardrums and tax dollars. And aren’t all branches of the military out to save money these days? Sure sure, that “Osprey” thing ($70 million each) could have been dubbed “Trowler” for all the earth it tilled in test flights, but give us a break, wouldja, and no, we had no idea that projectiles ordered for the recently-commissioned USS Zumwalt would skyrocket to $800,000 each, but now that Captain James Kirk has taken the helm (to which William Shatner penned a letter of support), perhaps we’ll go straight to lasers and photon torpedoes, seems logical, no? More logical than throwing in the toweler, anyway.

Besides the noise above the waterline, the Navy is also expanding its below-the-waterline acoustic footprint…er…hullprint. According to the National Marine Fisheries Service, the increased sonar activity would not have “major impacts” on local marine species. A November 13 Seattle Times article cites National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration officials as indicating that they “expect mostly short-term behavior changes such as animals curtailing swimming or avoiding a particular location.” Fine for them fur-bags that can haul out and bask on an exposed reef for the duration of a sonobuoy deployment and activation exercise, though the “relocate or perish” dictate might sound different to species like whales and porpoises, who don’t habitually haul out, at least not unless their eardrums are bleeding, likely from sounds us land-based fur-bags can’t even hear. Indeed, the sound of freedom is also very, very quiet.

But: tired of all the noise? Soo over the political jowling? Want some peace and quiet? Rent yourself a pair of shoes, pick a ball to roll down one of those lanes in Anacortes, imagine each pin an EA-18G Growler or presidential candidate if you’re a taxpayer with an axe to grind, you might as well try to roll an axe down the lane given that pathetic hook you’re managing, and leave the growling, the scowling, the yowling and the howling behind. Take a tip: for some serene quietude, try bowling. Maybe take a porpoise or an orca along. Might just be the quietest place they could be, these days.

Your range of acoustic comfort may vary.