Flotsam and Jetsam: Attention Not Required

— a semi-regular humor column by Maurice Austin —

After a couple close brushes involving motorists drifting over the center line into the opposing lane of travel on this our fair isle, I’ve become convinced that the recent proposal by the Madrona Venture Group to establish an autonomous vehicle corridor between Seattle and Vancouver, B.C., in my humble opinion, does not satisfactorily meet the transportation needs of commuters plying all the available pavement between and connecting to those fair metropolises, because it does not go far enough, in fact only proposes I-5 be relinquished to driverless cars, why such a limited scope, c’mon can’t we get some of the same love on the Horseshoe Highway?

There comes, after all, a time in Fall when the landfall fruit starts to ferment, and the deer start getting a little loopy, and wander about carelessly, not unlike certain attendees of the Doe Bay Festival, and wouldn’t it be a relief to know your vehicle could handle the exigency, leaving you undisturbed, relaxed, placid in the knowledge that all is well, ah the wonders of modern technology, such a panacea for all our wheeling woes, despite this ditch that just caused us to miss that Pokémon, grrr.

It’s interesting that the primary benefit mentioned by the Madrona Venture Group doesn’t have to do with decreased fuel consumption or emissions, doesn’t touch on increased safety or less commute time, though in fairness, those ideas are mentioned, as if in passing, by which I mean as an aside, not as in actually passing like in the I-5 passing lane, which none of us will be able to do once those lanes are reserved for those who can afford to plunk down $35,000 or more on a driverless vehicle, do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

No, the “principal” benefit described in the proposal is that travelling in a driverless vehicle allows the occupants to “recapture all the time spent behind the wheel” by watching a “video or sporting event” or even “work on a novel or plan a game with your children.” The last lines of that paragraph are ominous, chilling: “Because of wireless and software technologies we can be entertained or productively engaged wherever, whenever.”

Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated, even in your commute, will not ever escape the clutches of Facebook and Netflix, Instagram and SnapChat, not even while driving, although from what I see on the roads, many drivers already can’t escape the lure of their iCrutches long enough to signal a lane change, much less stay in their own lane, sheesh paint between the lines, wouldja? I’m talking to you, the driver of the small black SUV who overshot the turn there by the golf course because you were staring at your crotch, giving you the benefit of the doubt that technology was involved, for if there are other reasons why you’re staring at your crotch rather than at the road, I don’t want to know, this is a family publication, after all.

If the “entertained” aspect seems a balm to those who combat commute boredom with such games as “I Spy” or the license plate game, the “productively engaged” aspect gives me hives, though I get the rationale. Sooner or later, Seattle commuters will not ever be able to reach their downtown offices, after all, so it makes sense, I guess, to provide them with the tools they need to complete their assigned duties from their vehicles, while circling endlessly between Northgate and Southcenter, looking for an unoccupied parking space.

In all fairness, the Madrona Venture Group’s proposed “Autonomous Vehicle Plan for the I-5 Seattle/Vancouver B.C. Corridor” write-up addresses many regional transportation concerns, is in fact a visionary document, if alas limited in scope, or at least misguided. Why tackle I-5 right off the bat? Why not make autonomous vehicles mandatory on Orcas Island, or in the San Juans, roll out a pilot program that proves the efficiency of autonomous vehicles on these lovely isles, full of squirrels, drunk deer, Doe Bay Festival attendees, veering halves of double-wide trailers, swerving crotch-watchers, tailgaters and bicyclists, pedestrians hobbling along between the thin margin between the fog line and the ditch, a perfect jungle-gym of autonomous vehicle training activities.

And frankly, the more autonomous and anonymous your crappy driving the better, sheesh, I mean really, pay attention, there are lines there, what are you doing, you deserve to be replaced by a robot, on the way as well as where you’re going, and if it gives you more time to read Elmer Rice’s The Adding Machine, and file your toenail, so the better.

Haven’t read The Adding Machine, yet, you say? Well, you’ll have plenty of time to, once the Autonomous Vehicle Control Center is online, and diverts heavy I-5 southbound traffic though Winthrop.

Your mileage may vary.