As the Paradigm Shifts | I love to meet my hate: advocate or adversary?

||| AS THE PARADIGM SHIFTS by ROSIE KUHN |||

A fascinating truth: We make choices solely based on our interpretations—rarely on the truth.

Our interpretations—beliefs, judgments and perceptions are like a suit of armor. They are highly impenetrable. They are our first defense against vulnerability. And, more often than not, they do not allow for truth to be known, nor do they allow peace to exist within.

A trainee of mine, Ben, spends a lot of time in his thinking mind. When discussing what shows up in a coaching session, he asked, “What if a client comes in emotional.” Ben’s question reflects his belief and interpretation that emotions are a form of weakness, a lack, and an interference to health and healing. His current interpretation of emotions, if not dismantled, will put him on the defense with any client who shows one iota of emotion.

I bring this in as an example of how our interpretations influence how we be and how we respond to who and what is in front of us. In this very short example, Ben is an advocate for healing and wholeness—that’s why he is training to be a transformational coach. However, at the same time, he has an adversarial relationship with emotions—they get in the way of transformation—according to his interpretation, in this moment.

Making peace with the world, making peace with your wife or your husband, making peace with your father or mother, making peace with your children, and with your self requires that each of us question our interpretations about—well, about everything.

I’m an advocate for love and compassion—my clients would vouch for that. However, if you talk with my daughter she’d have a different story.

The realization that my clients have a different interpretation of me than my daughter had me ask the question: “How do I show up with my clients that is different than how I show up with my daughter?” What interpretations, assumptions and judgments do I bring to my relationship with my daughter that is different from what I bring to my sessions with my clients?

The answer didn’t come swiftly or easily. In fact, I didn’t want to know the answer. And, so I kept looking at what was easy to see, but didn’t answer the question.

I kept seeing my daughter as the one that was adversarial in the relationship—she was the one—I say pointing the finger with enthusiastic righteousness.

However, the truth is, if my interpretation of her is that of an adversary—someone who is thwarting me in the way that she does, then the question must be asked: “How am I responding to her adversarial position? Am I adversarial in response—fighting for, arguing for, battling for what I think I’m entitled to?”

YUCK!! The truth of this answer tainted the interpretation I have of myself as an unconditionally loving human being. The view my clients present to me!

My daughter, my clients, my friends, my trainees, the world in general, ongoingly present me with opportunities to question my interpretations, my beliefs and judgments. It’s only because I’ve given up being attached to being upset, disappointed, bitter and unhappy that I question reality when I’m not in my happy, peace-full place.

When I discovered myself being adversarial with my daughter I was initially humiliated. Humiliation is something I hate to feel. However, I realized that I truly didn’t know better, because I was fighting for something I thought I didn’t have and needed disparately—her love.

This inner conversation unraveled a number of interpretations I didn’t even know where at play within me. This is the cool thing about opening up the dialog with yourself—you learn things that are good to know—especially if you want to spend more time in your happy place!

After the immersion into the discomfort of humiliation, I found myself in a peaceful state of humility. I was humbled by all of the fascinating ways the Universe devises to create unique learning opportunities for each and every one of us. Our adversaries are always the best advocates for our healing—on the personal level and global level.

I realized that what I was advocating for was my right to have things the way I wanted them. I realized that by advocating for my right and my right to be right, I was not advocating for love. And, in that, I wasn’t advocating for connection, appreciation and acceptance of who my daughter is. I just wanted things my way!

I was doing to her what I experienced her doing to me. I wasn’t seeing her for who she is. I was seeing her for who I thought she should be. In this, I didn’t respect her truth, her reality, or the choices she needs to make for herself—no matter what. Yuck!!!

When I’m more committed to my right to be right, I’ve lost the battle to be in peace and love. This sucks, because I love being right. I love the feeling of being powerful in my being right.

But beyond that, my being right doesn’t serve peace or love. It doesn’t serve growing my relationship with my daughter or myself or the world.

When I’m advocating for being right, I don’t experience the healing that comes with peace. I feel the angst and armoring that comes with being at war. In this moment I have to choose! I hate these moments. And, I love these moments.

My daughter isn’t aware of all of this inner work I’ve been doing with myself. She doesn’t need to know. I don’t have to talk to her about it, unless I want to tell her what a great mom she has, whose doing all of this huge work! Yuck! JEESH!

So I practice noticing those interpretations that initiates putting on my armor—I feel it in a heartbeat. I practice letting go of those interpretations and my need to be right about everything. Within that next heartbeat, I feel the warm healing peace penetrate and the armor disintegrate. Not Yuck! YUM!!!

I would love to hear your comments, questions and feedback.

If you’d like more of Dr. Rosie, check out her website: www.theparadigmshifts.com. You’ll find blogs, books, videos and more.