Midnight Mutterings | About lying

||| MIDNIGHT MUTTERINGS by JACKIE BATES |||

Have been thinking about lying lately and why it’s so disturbing. My conclusion is that part of why it is so confusing to me is that it makes me question my own perceptions. Can I really have been so wrong about what I observed, what I saw and heard and the conclusions I reached? Does another person think I can be convinced that what I recall is in error. (I mean, beyond just ordinary forgetting.)

We hear that all politicians lie. Do they? All? Some do, for sure. A few do often and outrageously. Does that kind of lying change our minds? Convince us that we are mistaken, have poor memories, need to be reeducated? Or just more stupid than we look?

I wonder how much about lying is taught, that we adults insist that children apologize for what they have done or said when the adult has no concrete knowledge that the child is, in fact, sorry, didn’t mean what he/she did/said. Are children systematically taught to lie just with the apology requirement?

In my years of working with young children, young adults, doctoral students, I don’t recall asking anyone for apology to me, to another child or fellow student, yet demanding apology is fairly standard practice in schools, homes, and some churches.

One incident I remember occurred when a six year old boy came crying to me that a girl in the class had stolen and eaten his snack. I definitely felt sorry for his loss and found a (no doubt lesser) snack, and when I had a chance, privately asked the girl what had happened. She looked me straight in the eye and said two words: ‘Looked good.’ I didn’t ask her to apologize, as the boy’s tears and anger and disappointment gave her the information she needed to know. Only she knows what she did with that information. Maybe she learned to steal with impunity, or more cleverly, but at least (I hope) she didn’t learn from that incident that a quick apology absolves one of all responsibility after hurting another person.

Then I think of my friend Chris, who after her Confirmation in the Catholic Church, earned the right of Communion after she was allowed/required her first confession with the priest. She couldn’t think of anything she had to confess so she made up something and confessed it. The priest responded with the number of Hail Mary’s ** for her to say with her rosary. Then came the dilemma: in making up her sin to confess, Chris had lied and now had a real sin to confess.

I had done time in Catholic School with daily Mass, but as a ‘non-Catholic’ was not allowed, and was envious of the right to the secret and exciting rituals that the other girls were allowed/required. (Not to mention the white dress to wear for Confirmation.) And I desperately wanted a Rosary. There were various chances and contests that involved Rosary prizes and I entered every and all opportunities. I never won a Rosary as I was always missing a secret something taught in the Church but not in school, and I was never sure I would have been allowed a Rosary even if I did win. For those of you who weren’t raised Catholic or attended Catholic School, the words to the Hail Mary are quoted below. Those are some serious words/concepts for a seven year old to contemplate.**

Most of my lies, I think, have been lies of omission, when I kept some truths to myself in order to keep the peace or avoid repercussions that might follow revelation. A former partner once said I wasn’t ‘much of a liar,’ I still don’t know whether he meant I didn’t lie much or that I wasn’t very good at it. Decades too late to ask, even if he might recall ever saying that.

I haven’t spent any time reading about lying in the psychology/medical literature. Maybe I need to read up on lying, instead of ruminating here when I should be sleeping. Was it Mark Twain who said, ‘There are lies, damned lies and statistics.’ ?

Turns out Mark Twain had a lot more to say about lying than that one (mis) quote. You can read about it here:

https://snugfam.com/100-best-mark-twain-quotes-about-lying-that-reveal-the-hilarious-truth-2025/

**The Hail Mary prayer, said at each bead of the Rosary

Hail Mary, full of grace,
the Lord is with thee;
blessed art thou among women,
and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.