Help Wanted: Mother—Birth and Adoptive

HELP WANTED

by Elsie McFarland

Employer: Prime Director, Human Resources, Planet Earth

Job Description: Mother—Birth and Adoptive.

Requirements: Birth Mothers must be female, certain age restrictions, willing to serve internship of nine months, allowing a new being to inhabit your body. At the end of nine months, you will allow this unit to be released from your body, at which time you will receive into your arms a miniature helpless person who will be in your trust 24/7, until he or she is 21 years old. You will be expected to nurture and care for this being, exercising caution and wisdom until said being has reached the age of accountability, which on this planet is 18 years old. Applicants for this position must have much patience, and a willingness to learn along with this unique individual as you grow together. This position requires tenacity, flexibility, adaptability, and a capability to maintain a good sense of humor.

Requirements: Adoptive Mothers must be willing to fulfill all qualifications of Birth Mothers as detailed both in the prior paragraph above and in those below with the exception of the incubation and birth process. It is possible, depending on circumstances that your employment will not be immediate on your new being’s entrance to this planet; such employment could conceivably be delayed for some days or even years. You and your new being will come together at the right time.

Length of Employment: This is a lifetime position. Expires when you expire. However your responsibilities will lessen when the being reaches maturity. Hopefully something or someone will come along and seduce him or her to leave home at the appropriate time. Then you can play bridge or learn to tango.

Benefits: This is a Volunteer job, and thus far we have had no lack of volunteers. As in most volunteer positions, no cash remuneration is involved. Benefits will be realized as you proceed along in your career; however these benefits are of necessity, intangible. Each Mother will recognize such, and will keep these in her heart. Not over her heart, but in her heart. Other rewards will accrue along the way, too many to mention in this short paper. However, I have been asked by my regional supervisors to mention potential pension or retirement benefits. That would be grandchildren, who in many cases, will be sent to you as a bonus.

Where to Apply: As a potential Mother, you have built-in radar, and will know exactly where to apply for the job. It is not necessary to detail the particulars here at this time. The job is not for the faint of heart, but it is the Chance of a Lifetime.