Trump Budget Details Indicate WSF to be Renamed WALL

— a Maurice Austin Special Investigation into Stuff —

According to recently released documents from the Governmental Organization for Open Process (GOOP), the much-debated Trump fiscal budget for 2017-2019 mandates a restructuring of the Washington State Ferry System (WSF), highlighting the transportation corridor as key to securing American borders under a sub-program termed “Systematic American Defenses” (SAD).

Presently, residents of the San Juan Islands and tourists alike enjoy the tranquil sailings of Washington State Ferry system vessels to and from Anacortes and terminals on Lopez, Shaw, Orcas, and San Juan Islands, and in the summer, Sydney, British Columbia. Those ports of call, however, have been deemed “sanctuary establishments” by the federal agencies in charge of who gets to go where, and when and why and how, and will be subject to increased scrutiny “because reasons,” according to a might-have-been-leaked memo.

“Realistically, as long as we can keep ‘em from coming in in the first place, then we’ll be fine,” said one current Orcas Island property owner via Skype from his penthouse in Dubai. “All these new residents are interfering with my vacation-rental investments and making it difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. I need wheat, of the three hundred bucks a night sort. Chaff is like, what, working sorts that don’t contribute to my high-end clientele of investment brokers and multi-millionaire CEOs of humanitarian non-profits. Get ‘em out.”

If the proposed budget is adopted as proposed, current island residents will be subjected to a review of current assets and debts, and if found in arrears (i.e., lacking in fluid assets of at least $2.4 million dollars, and title to either a BMW or a Mercedes) will be escorted to the nearest terminal for relocation.

“Look, we don’t want to be like pricks about this or anything,” said a local hotel and gift-shop owner. “It’s just that face it, we need to keep it as it was when we got here, and if that means slamming the door on new arrivals well so be it, because when I got here, there was a lot of tourism, and now, it’s just…wait, is that a recording device?”

For others, the island lifestyle has proven so difficult to navigate that changes are imperative. “To be honest, staring at weird misshapen vegetables at the Farmer’s Market is quaint, but until they set up an Apple Kiosk so I can purchase the latest iPhone for my kids, what’s the point?” noted one recent multi-millionaire transplant.

Of most immediate notice is the re-terming of the Washington State Ferry system (WSF) to the Washington Affluence Limitation Line (WALL), so designated due to revised requirements subjecting island residents to financial scrutiny in order to determine likeliness of continued residence based on tolerance to upwind administrative hot air.

“Oh, sure, this might mean a mass exodus of county and public-school employees,” said one Trump administration eraser-pusher on condition of anonymity. “But once Trump University is established on Trump Island, there will be little need for road crews or public-school teachers. Most of our clientele…er…constituency isn’t worried about roads as much as they are helipads.”

Lacking any substantive dissension from the House or Senate, the establishment of a Trump University on Trump Island will likely trigger acceptance of renaming the San Juan Islands, as proposed by possibly-leaked documents from the White House indicating that President Trump would prefer that the archipelago be re-termed “Trump Islands.”

“See, we’re all about community, and tradition, and stuff,” noted one Trump administration glue-sniffer on condition of anonymity and a bottle of imported model-airplane adhesive containing Toluene, “which can clearly be discerned by discarding everything here except the first letter of each paragraph.”