||| SUN DAYS ON ORCAS by EDEE KULPER |||

I now resonate with the idea of a midlife crisis, to an extent. What I feel isn’t a dire, I-need-immediate-help kind of thing, but an internal shift in the way life has always felt into new, uncharted mental territory. I thought I’d try to articulate it in case it helps any of you in the same situation to know you’re not alone.

I am 48 years old and have lived a good life – I grew up in a loving family, I’ve loved having my own children and raising them, and have always sought to live life to the fullest, whether that has manifested in doing my best at mothering or seeking out the next big adventure. I’ve done all kinds of jobs, pushed my body in athletic endeavors, and aimed to be the best me I can be. Reflection and journaling have been constants in my life. I’m always asking God and myself what’s next on the horizon; how can I improve; what’s my purpose.
I haven’t suffered abuse, disease, poverty, or depression, but that doesn’t mean everything is happy and jolly on the inside all the time.
In the last few years, a lot of things have changed. My kids are no longer short little exploration and information sponges who need me to care for their momentary needs and plan their daily comings and goings. I am not needed to rock them and read endless books to them, wrapped around them in a lovely endless cuddle. We no longer walk the beach searching for nature’s treasures while I think of everything I can teach them under the sun. My role has evolved from a physically demanding state of being there for them all the time and filling them up in every way I can muster to an emotionally trying state of responding well and being a good example when every one of my buttons has been pushed. We have good times too, but boy, do I long for the days of reading in a rocking chair. I sorely miss being lovingly parented, having parents to call for advice, and being the one cuddled.
COVID came along and made life feel like it was on pause, and it wasn’t. We parents are now on the other end of it, watching our high school age kids adapt to having lost two years of normalcy, feeling some of the same angst, questioning, and confusion that they feel, but for different reasons.
Hormones change over the decades, and such changes are difficult to track quantitatively. I don’t know what’s changed internally because I have no hard data. What I do know is that smiling and feeling excited about a new day can take effort rather than come naturally, no matter how much others think it’s easy.
Marriage is taxing on the psyche too, if you’re in one that has had its monumental challenges. Love and romance? No. Sometimes it’s just plain tolerance and loyalty.
Relatives are older – parents are no longer in a parental role; it becomes an issue of care and which siblings can do it. Siblings are older – life is less about observing each other seek possibilities out on the horizon and more about watching one another manage present difficulties due to age, stress, and compounding issues of all kinds.
Life in general is different – we go to events now and then and notice we don’t recognize two-thirds of the people there anymore. Families are doing different things, parents have moved from parental roles to managing businesses, and all of a sudden you realize you’re surrounded by relative strangers.
Questioning is hard on the soul too. I question everything lately and find it doesn’t help me much, but it’s where I am at the moment. What’s my new role in life? What is God and is God anything like what the world has told me? What’s the purpose of each tiny life in a universe of swirling galaxies and nebulae?
I wish I was more of an Erma Bombeck at times. Just know you’re not alone when you’re feeling like you are. Not all days are Sun Days. I get you.

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