||| SUN DAYS ON ORCAS by EDEE KULPER |||
Teenagers and college kids, every form of media is telling you about love. You don’t turn on the radio and hear songs about riding horses or flying drones. You don’t see teen magazines on racks in the store with articles about identifying birds or fixing engines. No. Everything you hear and see has to do with the opposite sex. And a lot of the time, you’re getting fed bad advice from bad examples, or frivolous “tips” from people who are shallowly hoping to sell their products rather than seeking to genuinely inform you.
Even though it’s so alluring to imagine giving your heart or body to someone, they might not care for it the way you want them to. Especially if they’re 15 or 20. It’s possible, but not probable.
What I can tell you today that I didn’t know as a teenager is that every time you give your heart or body to someone, you will carry them around in your heart for years, or even the rest of your life. There’s nothing flippant about the heart. The heart wants to love and be loved. Permanently. With care and without drama.
This is how I know. I still wake up some mornings astounded by the fact that I’ve had dreams of my first love at 13. I never even think about him in daily life. That was 34 years ago! But apparently my subconscious still ranks him worthy of contemplation. Because it was the first time I had ever been loved not as a daughter or a sister, he marked a really huge transition in my life. All of a sudden, I was not only capable of familial love, I was capable of romantic love.
I’ve always known that my heart isn’t into discord, neglect, drama, or brokenness. It has always wanted a companion for life. A best friend. Someone to love and be loved by consistently. There’s already enough unpredictability in life; my heart wants to know who it’s putting its effort into and that that person will reciprocate those intentions.
In college and in my 20s, I dated someone for almost eight years. I just knew he was “the one.” The one I’d live out my days with, laugh with, cry with, and stick by. Everything important was there. I guess the feeling wasn’t mutual in the end. It took about ten years for my heart to fully resolve the fact that he wasn’t the one. In other words, my heart was bound up in him, either consciously or subconsciously, for 18 years.
I tell you this because a lot of people tell you things you should and shouldn’t do. But perhaps they should tell you why.
Here’s the why. If you’re anything like me, when you give your heart to someone at 13 or 18 or 29, it wants to settle into that person’s love and revel in it for a long time – perhaps for life. My heart wasn’t meant for the instability of serial monogamy. It has shown me over the years that it doesn’t let go of lost love in a day, a year, or a decade.
When you hear shallow songs that talk about love as though it’s recyclable, know that the heart doesn’t work that way. Media is fickle but the heart isn’t, even if you try to will it to be. At least mine isn’t. It cares. It persists. It holds on.
Guard your heart if you’re wanting lasting love. Wait for the person who is mature enough to want to love you well. Wait until you’re that kind of person too. You won’t be missing much. No, that’s not true. Your days and years may be filled with exciting emotion and adventure, but your heart will eventually have to let go of that wonderful person if they have no intention of staying with you. If attraction and desire pull you into people, it can take a long time for your heart to be ready for long-term commitment. And in the meantime, you may lose faith that life-long commitment is even possible.
Only you know what you want, so do some digging before you either jump in something that will hurt you later, or start in on a pattern that won’t produce the outcome you’re hoping for.
One of my biggest and most long-standing prayers for our boys is that they find life companions early on. Not the first girls who make them feel a sense of acceptance or excitement. Since they were born, I’ve prayed that they will marry girls who deeply love them, and girls they deeply love in return. Girls with whom they remain best friends until they’re old and gray.
Good thoughts, but rather narrowly construed.