||| ORCASIONAL MUSINGS BY STEVE HENIGSON |||
One of the “features” of aging past 50 is the quinquennial colonoscopy, “just to make sure that nothing bad is happening in there.” And now it was time for me to get mine. Not only is the process annoying and uncomfortable, but it is also embarrassing, especially when the invading Proctologist is both of the opposite sex and younger than I am.
And then there is the stuff I will have to take. It’s named Moviprep. It’s issued as a one-Liter container, plus four envelopes of powder to be used two at a time. The first two powders are dissolved into a full Liter of warm water, and the resulting “refreshing beverage” is reminiscent of liquid dishwasher detergent, complete with a slightly citrus flavor. I was to drink that, and then, later, after a great deal of uncomfortably running to and fro, I would get to do it all over again.
The whole Moviprep thing is a cruel joke. Moviprep is a large amount of rather nasty stuff to drink in preparation for the examination, but, somehow, after all of that preparation, you never do get to see the Movie.
This vile-tasting and discomfort-causing liquid is supposed to clear me out entirely. It improves visibility, I guess, but I bet that it’s also intended to make things so spotless in there that the Proctologist won’t have to work too hard at cleaning up the instrumentation after the procedure is over.
So there it was, staring at me from our calendar. In a day or two, I would have a telephone interview with the anesthesiologist. Yes, I need an anesthesiologist, because in no way do I want to be, um, cognizant of the festivities that my body would be hosting. And then, about a week further out from that, I would have to start moving and prepping.
And that’s when my clever colonoscopy-avoidance plan came to fruition. There was nothing special to it. Anybody could do it. I merely came down with pneumonia! My symptoms were very much like those of a heart attack, including a tightly screwed down, center-of-chest iron clamp, but with the added pleasure of a sharp and piercing, bodkin-like stab during every inhale. That last was the tip-off to the paramedics, and it got me yet another fun-filled helicopter ride to Bellingham, and four days in the purgatory that is Saint Joseph’s Hospital for the physiologically perplexed.
So my colonoscopy was now definitely a non-starter. You just can’t do those things to people who are deathly ill with pneumonia. Oh, happy day…I think.
Well, not really. It still has to happen. It’s just been moved back about a month, or, if I can come up with another equally clever ploy, maybe two. But there’s still a box of Moviprep, lurking out there somewhere with my name on it.
Still, I almost got away with it. Over my dead body? Yeah, well…as I said, almost!
But seriously, folks, being on the receiving end of a colonoscopy isn’t quite as bad as having pneumonia. And if it keeps you from dying of bowel cancer, and it gives a Proctologist something useful and edifying to do, I think that it’s a pretty good idea. So don’t put it off. Well, not for too long, anyway.
There is a new alternative called “ PillCam”
You swallow this and it takes photos, when ejected from your body it is viewed by the Doctor.
The PillCam…
What a neat idea!
Where do I sign up?
My father had the pill cam but was later told it was not as effective as the dreaded routine colonoscopy. He ended up having to have the full procedure anyway…
PillCam? Really? Do we really need another inspiration to become the butt of any more Colonoscopy jokes?
Welcome home, Steve, best wishes, and continued thanks for your wonderfully varied Musings. (Fwiw, turned 70 in 2016, with two such procedures already “under my belt.” Thanks for the health reminder. Salud!)
Clenpiq is a “better” prep for colonoscopy and easier on the patient. Virtual colonoscopy is also a good consideration but occasionally requires proceeding to the full scoping. Also worth asking your doctor about Cologuard as an alternative. For many people it’s all that’s needed and can be done at home. But, it is important to follow through with preventive medicine checks (colon, mamo, pap, etc.)
As a colon cancer survivor, be advised that the disease, surgery, and chemo is much worse than a scope will ever be. I actually look forward to my 5 year scopes now. Just sayin……
The worst part of the scope is always the prep. I was under the impression that the pillcam requires the prep as well.
For those who don’t want to go to the mainland and spend the night Peace Health Island Medical Center in Friday Harbor performs them. Very convenient.
Actually I’ve enjoyed my three colonoscopies! Remember Katie Couric broadcasting hers on the “Today Show”? Its drinking those awful fluids and voiding beforehand that is so disgusting. It’s like drinking TSP.
Stool DNA testing has emerged as a biologically rational and user-friendly strategy for the non-invasive detection of both CRC ( Colorectal Cancer) and critical precursor lesions.
Unlike most conventional screening tools( proximal colon neoplasms are particularly underdetected by conventional approaches, including fecal blood tests, sigmoidoscopy,and colonoscopy), stool DNA testing detects proximal and distal colorectal neoplasms equally well.
It detects aberrant methylation markers on 2 promoter genes ( BPM3 and NDRG4 ) as well as KRAS mutations and beta-Actin. Early-stage CRC and large adenomas can be detected throughout the colorectum and with high levels of accuracy by the sDNA test. Neoplasm size, but not anatomical site, affected detection rates.
Several key technical advances have led to increasingly accurate approaches for stool DNA testing including use of a DNA preservative buffer with stool collection, efficient target capture and amplification methods, broadly informative marker panels, and automated assay components.
Steve, that made me laugh – hard. Avoider here too. But now, reading Dr. Vincent Shu’s great information, I think I’ll go for the DNA stool test! Maybe you can too!
Steve, Steve! You are making avoidance far too complicated. Simple procrastination works just as well, and with a great deal less ach und krach.
Seriously, Lois had it spot on. Nothing fun about the damn things, I’ve had three, but absolutely nothing compared to CRC by any account. Dr. Shu’s info certainly seems worth following up though…
Well now, maybe a better idea be grateful you can afford the cost of a colonoscopy. I made payments on mine for more than a year
Just sayin.
Saint Joseph’s Hospital purgatory for the physiologically perplexed..
Niiice.
I assisted in a couple of these. It always seemed wonderfully banal that one could get your very own video disc of the whole scenic trip that usually only corn kernels get to enjoy. Late nite insomnia viewing.
It occurs to me that they have sifted through all the waters of the Loch Ness for Nessies DNA though with little evidence of the shy erstwhile plesiosaurus. So I guess they could sift a few cups of poop for an odd cancer gene. [kinda like getting your medical advice from social media or the internet.]