New species of orca whale discovered at Island Market

— Flotsam & Jetsam from Maurice Austin —

Apparently, recent changes in seafood-product labeling requirements have led to some confusion on the part of fishermen, fish buyers, seafood distributors, and retail markets in the Western Hemisphere, likely due to the dissolution of NAFTA (North American Free Trade Agreement) and fuzzy TPP (Trans-Pacific Partnership) policies regarding the welfare of perceived endangered species.

Proudly displayed this week among the tilapia and salmon and cod are precisely-wrapped packages of “pre-frozen” “Chilean” “Type D killer whale meat,” assumedly caught and butchered and marketed by Chilean toothfish fishermen, who occasionally dispatch the whales that get entangled in their lines.

Really, for all practical purposes, killer whales maintain a singular species label, Orcinus Orca. But genetic differences exist between different groups, and “… where to draw that lines is very difficult,” according to Fisheries and Oceans Canada and the University of British Columbia researcher John Ford, whom National Geographic should have done a better job of quoting, sheesh.

Island Market has been under increased public scrutiny lately after their Ugandan chicken and Lithuanian sheep sausage products were found among the wreckages of both the ill-fated Ethiopian and Indonesian flights. Boeing has refused to comment on the role of food products in either disaster.

Likely, flight-control problems with the aircraft will be ironed out, but how, precisely, orca whale meat came to be sold on the shelves of Island Market continues to frustrate investigators.

“Frankly, this is a case of chum salmon being labeled ‘Keta’ or Asian carp being labeled ‘Silverfin,’” said one unnamed fish buyer for North American markets. “Were it labeled ‘Pollack,” nobody would bat an eye. Or fin,” he said.

Of course, the degree of public awareness regarding the plight of the Northern Resident Orca Pods makes it unlikely that dining on similar if un-endangered species will become popularized anytime soon, but the Spring uptick in tourist traffic might reverse the stagnant profit margin for consumable killer-whale products locally.

“Ooh, the Killer-Neapolitan is the best,” gushed one recent tourist, sampling his wife’s chocolate, strawberry, and orca whale-flavored ice cream cone. His own licorice-and-orca-blubber cone went barely licked.

“Lick the whale, daddy!” squealed the couple’s daughter, who was old enough to have developed lungs like a car alarm, sheesh.

“Surely, once the trade agreements and squabbling over some tom-foolery about a wall get settled, we’ll have to take a few moments to consider the perilous future of the killer whale,” said another unnamed ferry terminal orcas-whale-ice-cream-purveyor, “which might begin by reading only the first letter of each paragraph above.”