I’m Not the Church Lady | Recovering my willingness to not already know

The invitation to wonder is where real conversation begins

||| I’M NOT THE CHURCH LADY by ROSIE KUHN |||

A friend called the other day.

He said, “Rosie, you are so brilliant. You could charge four times what you currently charge, and I guarantee more people would be knocking on your door.”

First, I appreciated his acknowledgment.

Second, I found myself triggered.

Almost immediately, I dropped into an old, familiar landscape: guilt for not doing more, shame for not being more, and self-doubt for perhaps not living in alignment with my highest potential.

Literally, within seconds, I found myself questioning the spiritual principles—the very foundations of my life, that have been my guidance for decades. WHAT? It was a startling reminder of why, over these past six months, I’ve placed myself in what I
playfully call my Recovery Center—also known as my home and sanctuary.

I said to my friend,“You know, I’m actually in recovery from exactly what you’re talking about.I’m getting sober from living in more, better, different. And more importantly, I’m recovering myself from a life of guilt and shame for being me, and living life in the way that feels absolutely true for me. I’ll let you know if and when I’m ready to have a different conversation with you about this. For now, I’m good.”

It took me several days to return to sober.

Questioning My Reality

It fascinated me how quickly I was pulled back into the addictive patterns of guilt, shame, self-doubt—questioning my own experience, and questioning the spiritual principles I’ve been livingby. All of it, in that moment, was called into question.

That’s what addiction does. It convinces me that by becoming someone different I will berelieved from the discomfort of being exactly who I am.
Recovery asks something radically different. It asks me to stay.

Recovery asks me to stay with the isness of what I’m experiencing. Staying present with what is allows a clearing out of old patterns and life themes, so something else can take it’s place—this is usually something unexpected, surprising, and wonderful! I’m simply remaining present long enough to distinguish what actually is, from the old beliefs and contexts, which insists I should be more, have more, or do more—the isn’t!

I’m Not Recovering from Anything

In this process, I’m not recovery from. I’m recovering something I didn’t even know was available—Me. This is where the isn’t of what I believed in quietly gives way to the isness of everything else—the unexpected delight, wonder, surprise.

Perhaps by living sober from what was so true, isn’t only freedom from substances, behaviors, thoughts and feeling. Perhaps I’m sober from the compulsive need to improve and prove my value. I’m recovering from the addiction in believing that I need to become someone other than
who I am. By doing so, I get to experience the fullness of what is—Me!

In our 3D consensus view of reality this is what we are trained to believe. Through my recovery process, I’m not only giving myself the opportunity to question that reality but to perhaps choose differently—slowly, incrementally.

I suspect…

Every artist worthy of the name has to recover themselves from the pressure to produce what they think they should produce.

Imagine Michelangelo standing before the marble carrying all the voices: “This should become a masterpiece. People expect greatness. Don’t fail. Make something extraordinary. Prove who you are. You are only as good as your last work.” If he sculpted and painted from those voices, he
would never actually meet David. He would only meet his own expectations and the pressure that comes from that!

I suspect someone like Michelangelo, went through his own recovery process. Letting go of what he’s supposed to be, do, have, in order to allow himself to be without judgement, expectation or anticipation of what shows up within the marble. He had to let go of his own pressures to prove
and perform, allowing the fragments of marble to fall away in their own way and their own timing.

Perhaps it was recovery: Recovering his capacity to see. Recovering his willingness to listen. Recovering the courage to experience the isness of is, before imagination or interpretations arose. Perhaps he was recovering his relationship to intimacy—allowing full participation of himself with the marble, so that David would arise as the expression of that. I bet he also recovered his capacity for wonder and surprise. I wonder!

Without judgment, expectation or anticipation of what shows up within me.

For me, the “be more, have more, do more” voices are simply pieces that were never me. They looked and felt so convincing for so long that they seemed like part of me. But they aren’t—they never were. They are falling away. Not because they are bad. Because they aren’t me.

“The isn’t of this is where I meet the isness of everything.”

I wonder if that’s exactly what Recovery is—Like sculpting: The sculptor doesn’t create the sculpture by adding. The sculptor reveals it by distinguishing what isn’t the sculpture. The isn’t literally falls away. The isness remains.

Can I remain present long enough to let what is already here reveal itself, without trying to make it be something more, before I even begin?

I wonder!!!

If you don’t know about this yet, 10am PT, Sunday Morning, my co-host Don Yerly and I have easy delightful conversations about life, on the Radio Show: I’m not the Church Lady. It’s live on our local Eastsound station, KIXP, 102.3fm. It also streams on KIXP.org. You can also find
the recordings at: https://notthechurchlady.podbean.com. If you’d like to ask questions or leave comments, email me at rosie@kixp.org.