Flotsam and Jetsam: Growing Pangs and Local Pitchforks

— by Maurice Austin —

It was a quiet, placid day on Orcas Island, like so many other recent days. Deer munched at foliage along the roadside. Tourists idled about, taking selfies in front of every stump or bit of log somebody’d spilled some paint on. Kids complained about the lethargic Wi-Fi signal, which interrupted their Call of Extreme Dutifulness: Heartland Extermination III online RPG. Ah, the sweet smells and sounds of Spring!

But what is that rumble in the distance? Why, believe it or not, the trench-drilling behemoth Big Bertha has been shipped to the island, replete with a contingent of dastardly-minded civil engineers, who evilly twist their little moustaches while chanting “Mouh-ha-ha! Mouh-ha-ha-ha!”

There is a shriek of terror: The Co-Op has run out of sugar-free non-dairy gluten-free coffee creamer. Amazon quickly receives 157 entries in islanders’ online shopping carts.

There is another shriek, but nobody can hear it among the cacophony of Big Bertha’s cutting teeth, which plunge almost gleefully into the Y in the road that goes to NAPA. Soon, Big Bertha’s posterior is airborne, and the tunnel-digging underway in earnest.

It was a long time coming, of course, and took some convincing of long-time pitchfork-wielding die-hards to get the public’s support. After the unfortunate resignation of the Port Manager, and the successful recall to office of the Port Manager, and the subsequent national campaign to elect the Port Manager to the Presidency, well, some of those critical pitchforks became flattering spotlights, particularly with the recent Space-X announcement of low-altitude lunar tours based out of Eastsound and Lopez Village.

While Big Bertha is churning away down there, we might as well take a few snapshots of the new Island Excurzzions dirigibles, which have set up tether in the filled-in portions of Brant’s Landing. Each dirigible is capable of elevating 800 peak-ferry-fare and hospitality-rate-paying tourists within 250 feet of local marine mammal endangered species—not just sea lions, but actual minke whales and humpbacks!

Granted, the demise of the Southern Resident orcas hit the industry hard, but new features like in-transit zip-lines and onboard seal steak barbeque offerings have all but eclipsed previous profit margins, which is what marine mammals are all about, anyway.

Following the successful breeching of the hydroelectric projects on the Snake River, and successful rebound of 0.2% of the region’s salmon returns, islanders are holding their breath about the proposed de-commissioning of the damns in the Skagit River basin, which might usher them back into the era of plentiful salmon runs and candlelight and RPGs with sticks and stones. “The underground sugar-free non-dairy coffee creamer market will become laced with smuggling and black-market violence,” warned one local caffeine addict on condition of anonymity and a 10.2-ounce container of Kroger sugar-free French Vanilla artificially-flavored coffee creamer.

But dark days are not what prove to be ahead for Big Bertha, since the cutting teeth poke up just as planned opposite Orcas Center, and right on time to disrupt the traffic flow in three directions, rather than two.

Growing pangs aren’t easy to deal with, and sure sure, there are many who say we should stick to earlier ways of life—leaded gasoline, perhaps, and clubbing sabre-tooth tigers as a means of securing fodder for the ol’ nightly campfire. Some local pitchforks were last hefted, one suspects, in response to the 1968 Motor Vehicle Safety Standard, which set uniform expectations for seat-belt compliance. Curse such infringements upon our freedoms!

Sad, true, that some motorists will soon be able to afford only the surface streets, while the island’s 1% can cruise in style from the ferry terminal to Doe Bay underground, but such is the bifurcation of island socioeconomics. If not politics.

Some here oppose change as if they’d been struck in the knee by one of those little rubber hammers that doctors use to strike patients in the knee. Others here welcome change but aim their leg at the doctor’s privates before being struck in the knee by one of those little rubber hammers that doctors use to strike patients in the knee.

After all, we want it both ways: civility and the right to be less-than-civil to those we disagree with. Representation, and the right to be outraged at the representation. Environmental consciousness, and the privilege to receive a discount on our minke whale steak because the dirigible failed to spot a single whale in a three-hour cruise. And I mean, really—the din from the kids’ handheld RPG videogames was unfathomable….