Ferry chat: Desperation leads to abuse

Orcas Islander Suzan Chamberlayne recently published the following letter. On an interisland ferry commute, Orcas Island Prevention Partnership Director Marta Nielson and others discussed the content of the letter.

These opinions and discussions are what Bullwings: Orcas Issues finds valuable for publication to the Orcas Island community. We welcome the public using Orcas Issues as a forum for opinion, conversation, argument and common ground.

Suzan’s letter follows:

How disappointing to see our local paper [the Sounder] sensationalize a tragedy like domestic violence (Dec. 31, pg. A3).

To headline a national statistic (rather than local), to focus on the negativity of victimization (rather than the healthy behaviors, circumstances and mindsets that can prevent it), and to intimate that violence is only “perpetrated” by men is misleading and/or inaccurate journalism, regrettably beneath our standards. As the article says, “Verbal abuse can often lead to physical abuse.” We all need to take responsibility — the abusers, the abused, and those who do nothing. Until we cease our victim mentality, we maintain the phenomenon of victimhood.

Don’t get me wrong — I recognize the need for people in crisis situations to receive intervention and support. When someone does not know where else to turn, having a hotline, emergency assistance, and advocacy group can be invaluable, sometimes even life-saving. But I caution against absolutist thinking

If a person feels the need to exert “power and control” over another (what the executive director of DVSAS identifies as “the main cause of domestic violence”), that person’s need is likely the tragic result of their feeling powerless and out of control.

Instead of shunning and branding them with labels like “terrorist,” let’s find ways to help them not feel so desperate. The DVSAS might make a bigger “difference in the lives of victims and potential victims” by finding ways to give hope, by offering understanding, support and compassion to those they have labeled “the perpetrators.”

Years ago, my friend Gail Brooks (who lived & died a supporter of the DVSAS) and I considered the question, “Might there possibly be a subliminal message in the title Domestic Violence Sexual Assault Services that unfortunately intimates the exact opposite from its intention?“ Let’s consider what “services” we wish to provide and be sure that is the true focus. Rather than fighting violence with a Coalition Against Sexual Assault, let’s declare what we are for and support a Coalition for Peace, Respect, & Compassion.