||| AS THE PARADIGM SHIFTS by ROSIE KUHN |||
Francis
A number of years ago, when I was writing a column in Orcas Issues about “Aging Like a Guru,”Francis, a beautiful, creative woman and longtime Island resident, came to visit my workplace. “I’ve been reading your articles on aging and dying, and you know,” she said with a wee bit of disdain in her voice, “aging isn’t all fun and light—sometimes there’s anger and hate. I’ve been dealing with hearing loss for a long time. My memory is deteriorating and I’m afraid that I’m losing my mind. I’m living with a lot of pain. I’m alone more often than not, and I’m angry about all of this. Sometimes I hate being alive. I just wanted you to know that!”
Harvey and Kate
About 12 years ago, some friends of mine, Harvey and Kate, while sitting at a stoplight in their cute little sports car, having a beautiful peaceful day off Island, were struck from behind by a very big truck. It crushed the easy-going brilliant life they had come to know. Physical injury and trauma to the brain completely changed their orientation to life.
The degree to which they have recovered allows a great deal of mobility and possibilities. However, every day they live with the consequences of their life choices. They live with chronic pain and an inability to rely on their mental capabilities. They live with their choice to buy a little sports car, drive off Island that fateful day, and to choose within every moment of life how they will face the unknown that arises every day.
Marvin
For decades, my friend Marvin worked for the airlines. Every day, as he loaded and unloaded baggage from airplanes, he was exposed to jet engines that can blind a person with sound. Marvin suffers with major hearing loss because of his choice of jobs. He too, like Francis, Harvey and Kate, at times, questions the choices he made and the consequence of those choices.
ME
As of today, at the age of 71, I’ve yet to be affected by the 3 D’s of aging: Decline, Depletion and Deterioration like Frances has. Nor have I been affected by other life circumstances such as Marvin, Harvey and Kate, that could not be anything other than annihilating to one’s frame of reference. I have all my faculties—the ones that I rely on to navigate reality and that allow me to be in relationship with the world & communities within which I exist—my sight, hearing, mobility, & mental faculties.
I didn’t go to war, where one loses limbs, friends, and too often, peace of mind. I did however choose marriage, parenthood, divorce, and separation from my children. To choose this and not something else required me to deal with the ravages of the death of innocence, and the loss of hope that love will prevail.
Life’s battles, regardless of how mundane they appear to be, require each of us to accept what is, which can be as horrendous and traumatic as anything imaginable.
I don’t know of a single person who has lived a life free of some form of trauma, due to choices they have made, or that were made by others. Each of us is left to our own devices to be with the consequences of these unforeseen, undesired events. Essentially, we either choose to frame our reality in the perspective of victimhood, or we choose to see the bigger picture—one that lies beyond powerlessness, hopelessness, and helplessness.
Truly, no one likes this particular conversation I’m having with you through this writing, even though it circles around in our mental conversations continuously. We experience the hardships of our circumstances, while at the same time we courageously muster the strength to live within the consequences of life’s undoing.
It seems impossible and unrealistic to even attempt to shift our frame of reference from seeing ourselves as victims of decline, deterioration, and depletion of life force, to a perspective which provides opportunities to experience who we are as our essential selves, within these difficult and undesired experiences.
I Now Know Who I Am—Sort Of
It is because of those unanticipated, unwanted, despicable life circumstance that I’ve come to experience who I am in the truest sense. If I hadn’t been forced into certain circumstances that stretched my capacity to question reality, question faith, question truth, then I wouldn’t have grown my ability to even experience serenity. I couldn’t have experienced firsthand how grace works in such profound ways. I wouldn’t have developed the tools to empower others to find their ways to serenity through grace.
Truth is, most of us live with our circumstances, frustrated, disappointed, angry and sometimes hateful. We don’t have a way of seeing it any other way. So we avoid and distract ourselves from our agony and our fears, hoping that someday there will be ease, grace, and serenity.
I believe that whatever circumstance we currently sit in, regardless of age, race, religion, gender, sexual preference, or political orientation, we each reach a moment where we examine who we are within our life choices and our life circumstances. We rail and flail against forces that have brought us to this moment. We resist grieving the loss of the world we once knew, experienced, and hoped would always be. YUCK!
As we age and change—as we find ourselves in circumstances that bring us to our knees—as we experience the humanness that resides within, even though we attempt to hide it, we hate those who ignore our plight, those who won’t even try to accept us as we are now, with all of our failings and faults. We often feel marginalized, isolated, cast out, useless, without purpose, and most importantly, without a true knowing of Self that guides and companions each of us through life’s unfolding. We, in truth are the ones that ignore our plight, and won’t accept who we are or what we are. We are our own executioner. And…
It appears to me that, every single human being is given many opportunities to recognize choice-points where they can choose to surrender all of the suffering created because they lived using the compass of discontent. We each have the capacity to recognize this point in time—this moment, as an opportunity to admit that we are powerless, perhaps even helpless, and that our situation is hopeless—for the moment.
None of us truly look forward to this moment of choice. “Who would?” you are probably saying to yourself. Sadly, few of us actually choose to empower ourselves through these choice-point moments, fully allowing the potential for the fulfillment of joy, which is accessible through such a process.
This Isn’t Heartbreaking News
This isn’t heartbreaking news. Why? Because every one of us has the ability to live in wisdom, and to choose to live a life worth living. Except for a very few, every one of us has the ability to let go of what no longer serves a life of serenity. I smile as I write this, because I know that the possibility for each of us to create that joy is so very near.
A lot of people tell me that they don’t want to work that hard. They don’t want to be in the discomfort that often comes with change and growth. Okay! I totally get it! I admit that I, myself, don’t want to work that hard. However, the consequences of not doing the work creates even more discomfort for my soul. Sometimes you have to choose your pain. Not fun but necessary! Jeesh!!!
I would love to hear your comments, questions and feedback.
If you’d like more of Dr. Rosie, check out her website: www.theparadigmshifts.com. You’ll find blogs, books, videos, podcasts, paintings and more. And her books are available through Darvill’s and Amazon. She is available as a thinking partner and coach.
I read this as someone whose parents survived concentration camps and then spent two years in a displaced person camp before being admitted to the US. What you write seems incredibly privileged to me. You write wonderfully but you are experiencing a life where you chose to live, where you have access to much of the best that life has to offer, so telling those who are not as lucky sounds tone deaf.
Thank you, Mable. I totally agree. I have been privileged in so many ways. I have been lucky and blessed. I can only write what I know. Thank you again for your sharing.
Rosie you are too kind and gentle. I wonder if Mable is also incredibly privileged – having parents who survived and i bet they passed that on to their daughter and their daughter gets to enjoy freedom her whole life her parents maybe saw a wonderful l privileged life for their child as they welcomed her into this world Thank You Lord!
Thank you Frank for seeing me! I truly appreciate your acknowledgment and perspective.
We have no idea how any human life is shaped. I’m learning humility and compassion every step of the way!
Amen!!!