Scandals May Sink Mayoral Bids

— by Layna Mosley and Andrew Reynolds, political analysts —

The 2016 Mayoral election is one of the craziest races we’ve seen, with a field of candidates that has drawn support from near and far. As of press time, it was a dog eat dog eat dog (with an amphibian thrown in) race. It’s anybody’s guess who the winner will be, but we want to offer some high-powered pundit analysis.

Khaleesi is the big dog in the race. Afghan political culture is marked by a long and noble history of vote-buying, and this hound has it down to an art. She has an impressive social media presence, lots of off-island support, and shadowy backers from the Gulf (of Georgia). Khaleesi is reported to have appeared on the campaign trail wearing expensive designer collars and leashes, and she’s refused to release the transcripts of speeches given to high-powered Japanese industrialists. Khaleesi also is reputed to have her own private email server but, with Century Link’s track record, who can blame her?

Meanwhile, Madrona, a Labradoodle who also answers to Moe, is backed by local pastry- and scone-producing mafia. Madrona is as appealing as a warm chocolate muffin on a dreary February day. Madrona, who emigrated to Orcas before she’d lost her puppy teeth, would be the first openly-Lopezian mayor in Washington state. She’s been seen campaigning – and showing off her homeland’s trademark wave — not only in downtown Eastsound, but also in points as far flung as Olga. (Some Cold War veterans, a bit wary of Madrona’s connections, were overhead asking, “Is Madrona now, or has she ever been, a member of the Olga Strawberry Council?”)

Rounding out the top pack is Lewis, a dog who hasn’t let his short stature, or his mixed Beagle-Corgie ethnicity, hold him back. Lewis, the oldest candidate of the bunch, brings a wealth of experience to the mayoral race. A native of Washington, he developed his expansive worldview with a stint in Alaska (from which, as we all know by now, he could see Russia). Those who’ve met Lewis at campaign events have sometimes been a bit taken aback; opponents suggest that his campaign flyers have strategically over-represented his height. But, Lewis retorts, what he lacks in femurs, he makes up for with friendliness.

Newt, aka Sir Isaac Newt’n, is seeking to ride the canine backlash that helped sweep Granny into office in 2015. Newt, whose namesake is deeply unfortunate on this heavily blue island, has his strongest support base 2,409 feet above sea level. He’s the tiniest candidate of all – and we know how tiny hands can hurt a politician; but the version of Newt spotted at the June 25 Market was (much) larger than life. He may be the slimiest politician since the 1973 Slug-Gate scandal, but he’ll appeal to hikers and tree-huggers everywhere.

Ollie, another canine candidate, completes this year’s field. We are a bit perplexed by his lagging support: we would expect that a dog backed by a bank – even a local bank like Islander’s – would be vacuuming up the cash. Perhaps he is, but he’s put it in an offshore account somewhere (Sucia? Waldron?). Ollie has a big heart, demonstrated by the work he does day-in and day-out as a resident of an elder-care facility. But unless he can do more to mobilize the senior demographic – perhaps he should say more about his prescription drug plan? – only a government bailout will save this canine’s candidacy.

Since 2012, Layna Mosley and Andrew Reynolds have spent their summer months on Orcas – ostensibly for the purpose of escaping North Carolina’s humid summers, but really in order to experience the mayoral race firsthand and to send their kids to the Orcas Island Children’s House.