Large PACK Donations Have Newt Trailing in Mayoral Race

— from Jacqueline Daigle —

Sir Isaac Newt’n is in last place. How can we let this happen? How did this happen? According to race manager Susan Anderson of Children’s House, Newt’n has received the largest number of individual votes. But, not the largest donations. Jackie Daigle, co-campaign manager for Sir Isaac commented that this race is very much like Bernie Sanders’. He’s the people’s choice, yet there appears to be big money behind some of the other candidates with some questionable PAC (pack) money. Big money has infiltrated politics! And, Newt is the under dog (way under dog)!

Here is why the Newt is so perfect for the position:

Although Newt’n was accused of being “thinned skinned” (true) – this is a huge advantage. Newts, as with salamanders in general and other amphibians, serve as bioindicators because of their thin, sensitive skin and evidence of their presence (or absence) can serve as an indicator of the health of the environment. Most species are highly sensitive to subtle changes in the pH level of the streams and lakes where they live. Because their skin is permeable to water, they absorb oxygen and other substances they need through their skin. Scientists study the stability of the amphibian population when studying the water quality of a particular body of water.

Humans continue to pollute and destroy wetland habitats where newts and salamanders live. Remember, these amphibians need water to survive. Filling in their ponds, using pesticides, and rerouting water for our own needs has caused declines in many salamander populations—more than 70 species are currently listed as being at critical risk. We all need to help conserve remaining habitats and provide new gardens and parks for these unique creatures. This trait alone makes him well-qualified to serve as Mayor of Eastsound! He is the ultimate Environmentalist.

Newts have the ability to regenerate limbs, eyes, spinal cords, hearts, intestines, and upper and lower jaws. The cells at the site of the injury have the ability to undifferentiate, reproduce rapidly, and differentiate again to create a new limb or organ. I’m sorry – none of the other candidates can do THAT!

Newts do not hear. They feel – like Bernie once again (i.e. feel the Bern). Because they do not hear, they also do not emit any sounds. Why is this a plus? Have we not heard enough barking to last a lifetime? A little silence is a nice thing.

Sir Isaac Newt’n can be very philosophical and this upsets the other candidates. Instead, they one-up each other and litter the island with their campaign placards, resting their laurels on their pretty faces. To this Sir Isaac says … “To any action there is always an opposite and equal reaction; in other words, the actions of two bodies upon each other are always equal and always opposite in direction.” — The Principia: Mathematical Principles of Natural Philosophy (1687)

Newt’n feels that this law especially applies to the race between Khaleesi and Lewis. What a pity for them should the Newt come in for a big win on Saturday.

See you at the parade.