I’m Not the Church Lady | Listening for where life is inviting us to participate

Some people’s presence just makes me giggle with delight

||| I’M NOT THE CHURCH LADY by ROSIE KUHN |||

The quality of presence speaks volumes about a person. That’s my experience of Pastor Justus Kubais, whom I met through a Zoom meeting about 18 months ago. It was like awakening to a deeper realization that people all over the world radiate something that goes far beyond the roles they fill.

People like Justus make me want to be a better person. Better in terms of living immersed in heart and love. Better as in following the impulse to engage, participate and contribute to the fulfillment of something greater than myself—where there is no other—no richer or poorer, just loving humans serving one another. It’s where generosity of spirit ignites.

I was introduced to Justus through an organization that supports religious connection around the world. Though other religious leaders from Pakistan and the Republic of the Congo were represented, there was something about Justus that lit me up! And don’t we all love being around people who light us up?

Justus is a pastor with the Cistern of Hope Foundation in Nairobi. He isn’t one of those individuals up on a pedestal on Sundays. He is literally in the trenches. He’s serving lunches to children, handing out sanitary pads to adolescent girls, playing in the bouncy castle with children, and running men’s meetings. He’s digging ditches and fundraising to bring generators to villages who are without electricity. In my book, he’s a pretty awesome guy.

That’s why I wanted to partner with Justus and the Cistern of Hope Foundation in some way—but what way?

FYI, this piece isn’t about, “Here’s a great organization to give to.” It’s about what inspires generosity of spirit—that quality of being that ignites an undeniable impulse to share, engage, connect, and participate.

The Impulse Came First. The Form? Not So Sure

The US dollar goes a long way in countries like Kenya. So, it would make sense that I simply donate money to Justus’ foundation. But something kept getting in the way. There was a stickiness—something to pay attention to. It wasn’t a “no, don’t donate.” And it wasn’t quite a yes. It was something in between.

Though I make ongoing donations to various organizations around the world, there was something—or someone—in me who dug in her heels at the thought of donating money to the Cistern of Hope Foundation. Sorry Justus!

Dang it! It would be so easy. It would be so helpful!

But over and over, even when I tried to donate, there were complications with the technology.

So, for now, it’s a no.

So What’s Creating the Stickiness? The Dilemmas of Being Me

I have some specific philosophies I’ve operated by throughout my life. And sometimes these philosophies are entrenched in beliefs, perceptions and interpretations that aren’t based in truth.

They are based on learned pattern of thinking and being. Here’s somephilosophies at play in this dilemma:

1. I don’t have enough to give.
The orientation of my whole life had been that I wasn’t enough and I did not have enough. I lived in a lack mentality—Not enough time, money, energy or interest. I needed to fend for myself, protect what I had and make sure I didn’t, once again, find myself in a state of real lack.

This lifelong philosophy did not provide a sense of fulfillment through generosity. And even though my circumstances looked pretty dang good, I was always living as if I could be homeless any day.

2. It’s never about the money.
Sometimes money is required. But most of us jump so quickly to the assumption that it’s about money that we don’t see what else might be operating. What might it be about if it’s not about money? This is a whole blog’s worth of a topic for
another day. Suffice it to say that I’m training myself to practice discernment before jumping to the conclusion that it’s all about money.

3. You give a person a fish.
Again, sometimes feeding people who are hungry is exactly what’s required. And, again, in the practice of discernment, when is teaching a person to fish as valuable as feeding them? What’s possible when individuals become empowered to fish for themselves?

4. Privileged first-world white woman: “I need that money to buy a new…”
There’s a part of me that looks at my bank account and justifies not donating because, I don’t have enough for a rainy day. Again, making sure I’ve got enough for that rainy day is important. But so is discerning where my fears of not-enough may limit my willingness to share my abundance.

Can I afford to share what I have without it being to my own detriment? And how do I know when I’m being prudent and when I’m simply protecting myself from an imagined future of doom?

5. Guilt for having excuses.
I often feel guilty for not “being charitable.” But again, discerning my intention for giving is important. Here’s a question I ask myself: Am I giving because I  genuinely want to, or am I giving to resolve my guilt? If it’s the latter, well, that may not be in alignment with generosity of spirit. Right?

6. Something else is wanting to emerge.

When there are no specific answers, when there’s no clear way forward, sometimes it’s time to just sit in the incubator, patiently awaiting the Eureka moment!

I waited!!!

I wanted to support Justus and all that he is about. And at the same time, these dilemmas made me dig deep—soul-searchingly deep. That meant rehashing my philosphies, one through six.

Same answers kept rising up. Same resistance. Same guilt. Deeper digging was required.

Deeper digging into…

When the questions I was asking wasn’t providing direction or wisdom, I realized that perhaps there was a different question to be asked: What is it that money can’t buy?

The notion of teaching a person to fish arose again. Taking the time to teach requires an orientation different from presumed incompetence. It requires supporting people through seeing them as competent, whole, capable and desiring for themselves to grow their competence.

And there it was!

The “it’s never about the money” thing began to make more sense. Even though sometimes it is about money, sometimes it’s about empowering people to empower themselves into the fulfillment of their human spirit.

Teaching them to fish.

Noticing these things, I could see that it may be other people’s choice to donate money for the causes that require money. And that’s wonderful!

But what’s mine to do, in relation to Justus and the Cistern of Hope Foundation, is to empower people to empower themselves into the fulfillment of their human spirit. What this means to me is that I speak to the competence and wisdom within each individual—knowing they innately possess capacities that can be cultivated to support themselves and others.

Eureka!! We’ve just struck GOLD!

What Can I Donate? How Can I Serve? Where’s My Abundance?

So, taking note of what I heard myself say, I put this together:

What I do have is an abundance of time, experience, and commitment to the very thing that matters to me—dare I say it again—empowering people to empower themselves into the fulfillment of their human spirit.

Every spiritual community needs this!

Not only do I have an abundance of time, commitment, and expertise, I love engaging and teaching people who want to learn.

And so, I approached Justus with my proposal to create a Life Coaching Training Program for people in his community.

He loved the idea, and so it began.

Over the course of this past year, I’ve been meeting regularly with Justus and three or four other people from his parish. We meet on Zoom, exploring the principles and practices of transformational coaching. What continues to delight me is the willingness of these individuals to engage, question, explore what’s really happening in their own lives. And, though our lives and circumstances are worlds apart, our shared humanity is right there in the room. They aren’t simply learning coaching skills. They and me are cultivating the capacity to listen, to be present, and to recognize the wisdom and competence already within ourselves and one another.

Living in economically impoverished communities does not in any way diminish people’s competence, wisdom, or ability to empower themselves. Their financial circumstances don’t define their human capacities.

I’m all about cultivating what they already possess. And because my coaching training offers practices through which these capacities can be recognized, developed, and expressed, this continues to be a Hell Yes!

Listening for Where Life Is Inviting Us to Participate

On Orcas Island, we have so many nonprofit organizations that require financial support and volunteers. As I mentioned in my previous article, I now participate and engage in a number of nonprofits. Each of them lights me up. Each one draws something from me that I’m happy to share. Each one grows me in unexpected ways. I’m flourishing now more than ever before.

Generosity of spirit isn’t experienced as sacrifice. It isn’t burdened by guilt, resentment, grumbling, or complaining. I’m repeating myself here, but when I’m in that state of generosity of spirit, there’s no giving or taking. There’s no thought of, “What do I get in return?” There’s simply the delight of participating in something that matters to me.

I’ve heard it said too many times to count that, giving is receiving. And I hated hearing it every single time!

But only through first realizing that I wanted to be generous with my spirit could I begin cultivating generosity from the right place. I didn’t know that right place for a very long time.

Listening for where life invites me to participate continues to be a sometimes-grueling practice. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

And I have no doubt, it ain’t over!