I’m Not the Church Lady | Five indications you are a spiritually superior human being

||| I’M NOT THE CHURCH LADY by ROSIE KUHN |||

First, I establish that I’m right. Second, I establish that you’re wrong. Third, I make sure you know it. Fourth, I make sure you feel it. And finally, I take it upon myself to correct you! After all, isn’t that what spiritually superior human beings are here for? To help everybody else get their act together? And just to be sure you understand my intentions, I’m only doing this for your own good. And because I love you!

Look at the progression:

1. Righteous indignation: I’m justified in feeling superior.
2. Judgment: I know you’re wrong.
3. Shaming: I’m going to make sure you know you’re wrong.
4. Guilting: I’m going to make sure you feel bad about it!
5. Controlling: And most importantly, I’m going to make sure you become the person I know you ought to be.

There you have it! Five indications of spiritual superiority. A perfectly reasonable progression from knowing what’s right for someone else, to taking responsibility for making sure they get it right!

The question I’m sitting with is this: Where does all of this superiority actually get me? I can’t have an authentic, loving relationship with you—or anyone else—if I’m constantly reminding myself and you that I’m superior. If my intention is to stay safe from what I’m afraid to feel and experience, well, superiority will certainly keep me safe. Sort of. But is safe really all I want? Is safe all that I really need?

Perhaps there’s another way to look at this.

Spiritual Superiority or Spiritual Maturity?

Truth is, spiritual superiority is concerned with where I stand in relation to you—obviously, above you! Spiritual maturity, on the other hand, is concerned with how I am in relationship with you. It isn’t about becoming a spiritually superior human being. It’s about relinquishing my need to be one. Truthfully, it’s about becoming increasingly comfortable with being nobody special.

Here are five indicators of spiritual maturity—practices and ways of being that allow me to remain in relationship with you and with Life—rather than protecting myself from you and Life.

Humility

Humility is a humbling practice!!

Humility is both a state of being and a practice that cultivates my capacity to return to that state. It doesn’t require me to diminish my intelligence, my knowledge, or experience. It simply invites me to notice, and perhaps let go of, my need to use those things to establish my superiority.

Humility also allows me to recognize that being spiritually aware doesn’t make me better than anybody else. In fact, I have no clue where anyone or anything stands in the whole spiritual hierarchy of things—if there even is a hierarchy! Seemingly ordinary people may have come into my life to teach me in ways I never anticipated.

Opportunities to practice humility are abundant throughout my day. For instance, the moment I notice myself judging or complaining about what other people are doing, I often ask myself, “Do I do that too?” And so often, I do!

There’s a great slogan in recovery programs: “If you spot it, you got it!” JEESH! I got it, all right!!

Spiritual maturity isn’t measured by how rarely I judge. It may be revealed by how I be with myself when I catch myself judging. Yep. Those are humbling moments.

For me, it’s a wonderfully ordinary, ongoing process. Humility restores my relationship with my worth—and with the worth of others. It doesn’t diminish my worth at all to experience humility. In fact, something remarkable shifts which allows me to be more me—not less. And, it allows me to engage more easily with people—seeing that we are all on the same wavelength—no higher than or lower than, in the grand scheme of things.

Gratitude

Gratitude isn’t just about being thankful for the good stuff. It’s about appreciating experiences that challenge my perceptions of you, me, and everything else.

One of my favorite but most challenging prayers is, “Oh Creator, I’m grateful for the way that it is.”

I’m telling you, when things seem like they can’t get any worse, saying, “I’m grateful for the way that it is,” shifts my orientation from “Poor me!” to “Wow, there’s something here I may not understand yet, but I’m sure I’ll be glad this is the way that it is!” And sometimes I discover that what I thought was the worst of the worst isn’t quite that bad after all. This doesn’t mean I’m doing a happy dance. It just allows me to see things in a way that may open me up to what’s
really happening—beyond “poor me.”

I used to hate the idea of having to practice gratitude. But over time, I figured, “What have I got to lose?” Little by little, simply practicing gratitude for the way things are, have allowed me to actually become grateful for the way things are. What can I say?

Allowing

Allowing is the practice of letting people be who they are without needing to fix, improve, enlighten, or spiritually upgrade them. It doesn’t require me to agree with their choices. It invites me to recognize that each of us has sovereignty over our own life.

Can I respect that? Can I allow others the dignity of having their own thoughts, feelings, needs, and wants? Can I allow them to choose what is theirs to choose without being condescending toward them or their choices?

And can I allow myself to know what I want? To recognize what feels safe and yummy, and what feels scary and uncomfortable? Can I allow myself to know whom I trust and don’t trust, where I feel loved or unloved? Can I give myself the space to discover what’s mine to do and say without needing someone else’s input or approval?

For me, allowing is a particularly challenging practice because it requires me to loosen my grip on the idea that there are right and wrong ways of doing and being.

It doesn’t mean abandoning my discernment. It means recognizing that my way isn’t necessarily the only.

Accountability

Accountability doesn’t require me to condemn myself or others for wrongdoing—or what I
perceive as wrongdoing. It invites me to notice what I am doing, how I am being, and perhaps
choose how I want to participate in my relationships with Life in general, and with people,
places, and things specifically.

Accountability is recognizing that what arises within me—the fears, anger, sadness, and craziness—is mine to be with. I can’t actually blame somebody else for it, as much as I’d sometimes like to!

Once I recognize that these experiences are arising within me, it’s up to me to take responsibility for how I be with them. It’s about owning my stuff, especially in my relationships with other people. Which can be humbling, to say the least!

Truthfully, I ask myself this question quite often: How can I expect people to be accountable for their actions and words if I’m not willing to do so myself?

I don’t like it! But I prefer living with myself when I’m being accountable, to living with myself when I’m not. Not fun!

Humor

I continually notice that when my clients begin to heal, they actually laugh more than before. In the beginning, they often arrive well-defended, serious, and focused on how much they suck and how much their lives suck.

Months into our conversations, something shifts. They begin laughing at themselves in a healthy way. They recognize the absurdity of imagining themselves to be pathetic losers who should have arrived long ago at some elevated state of consciousness—or achieved the career, fame, and fortune they believe would finally make them worthy. They begin to discover that they’re pretty awesome just as they are.

And one thing I find refreshingly true is that the spiritually superior human being is the one who can laugh at the very idea of being spiritually superior. Isn’t that great?!

Humility, gratitude, allowing, accountability, and humor aren’t five medals we earn for becoming spiritually mature. They’re five ways we practice being human. And sometimes the most humble thing we can say is, “Well, would you look at that! I’m being human again!”

Your list of indicators of Spiritual Maturity may differ from mine. However, I suspect neither of us included righteous indignation, judgment, shaming, guilting or controlling. Which is unfortunate, because I’m exceptionally good at these!

I’m working on it!