I was estranged from my family. I returned one Thanksgiving

Family break-ups are not unusual, research tells us. “It’s a silent epidemic,” one psychologist says.

||| FROM THE WASHINGTON POST |||

Every Thanksgiving, families across the United States come together to celebrate in a spirit of gratitude. In the classic scenario, we gather round to express appreciation for the food we eat, the clothes on our backs and the roofs over our heads. These images of traditional holiday festivities are engraved in our hearts from childhood.

But all too often a seat at the dining room table remains empty because someone has intentionally absented himself. For years, I was just such a person — estranged from my family, AWOL from the dinner table. Yet I finally made my way back.

More than 1 in 4 people (29 percent) described themselves as estranged from an immediate family member, including grandparents, in a 2022 YouGov survey of more than 11,000 Americans. That ratio is consistent with other research, including a 2020 study from the Cornell Family Estrangement & Reconciliation Project showing that 27 percent of adults over 18 are estranged from a family member.

“It’s a silent epidemic,” says Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist who wrote the book “Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.” “Family estrangements are now possibly considered more accepted and acceptable.”

Estrangement’s health effects

A study this year looked at how estrangement affected the health of 2,609 mothers and 5,590 adult children. Those who cut ties with each other reported worse self-rated health than those still in touch positively. But while 17 percent of mothers reported poor or fair self-rated health, only 9.5 percent of adult children indicated the same.

Researchers also uncovered patterns of prevalence according to gender. Only 6 percent of respondents reported estrangement from mothers, whereas 26 percent reported the same from fathers. Similarly, daughters were less likely than sons to fall out with mothers, but slightly more inclined to turn away from fathers.

Many studies show how and why family estrangements can threaten our health, mind and body alike.

But there is also evidence that family breaks can be good in some cases. In a survey conducted by the nonprofit Stand Alone and the Center for Family Research at Cambridge University, some 80 percent of the 807 people who responded reported “some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.”

“The health consequences can be two-sided, both positive and negative,” says Rin Reczek, a professor of sociology at Ohio State University and author of an upcoming book on family estrangement. “Estrangement might, in fact, even be health protective in the long run if you’re leaving an unhealthy relationship.”

“Estrangement can be a reprieve from ongoing negative relationships that take a toll,” says Lucy Blake, developmental psychologist, senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and author of “No Family Is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality.” She adds, “People can feel freer and safer.”

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