Flotsam & Jetsam | There’s Nothing to See Here, Folks

— a semi-regular humor column by Maurice Austin —

Recently, local pin-the-tail-on-the-weather-system guru Cliff Mass lambasted Washington State’s decision to allow the trees surrounding the viewing tower atop Mount Constitution to obscure the view from that lofty promontory (cliffmass.blogspot.com).

While Mass deems the vista “one of the great views of the world”, he also notes that “you can’t see any of it today because the trees have grown up.” This might become a problem, folks: what if a visitor accidentally looks up from his/her cell phone long enough to notice the great view is anything but?

Mass indicates other sites are also in need of help: “…we are losing many of our most precious viewpoints because the State seems to have a policy of letting trees grow, even if such growth is robbing us of some of the most uplifting and inspirational views.”

The solution proposed by Mass? “A bit of judicious pruning could fix the situation in a few hours,” he writes. Well, friends, this got me scratching my head a bit, and some other body parts as well.

Heck, didn’t we just cut down a bunch of trees in Moran State Park because of Laminate Disease? On the one hand, would it be so hard to find someone to declare that the view-blocking foliage has contracted Fencepost Disease or Firewood Disease and install the necessary “temporary meadow” in its place?

On the other hand (besides five more fingers), “judicious pruning” utilizing laser-guided chainsaw assets in the precision targeting of view-obstructing limbs might be as effective as similar “smart” ordinance deployment in other fields of engagement. Which is to say, okay, so that won’t really work, and might result in the unintentional leveling of Turtleback Mountain.

Where the State Parks will find the funding for “a few hours” of work might be a problem, too, as a few hours’ pay for a contractor crew represents 2.5 months of a seasonal worker’s contracted salary. Which might mean it would finally be time to install those automated campsite registration consoles….

Another solution is needed—one that is both environmentally sound and aesthetically pleasing. Luckily, such precedence exists.

Take a drive through Mount Vernon some day, and you might notice that, sprouting right up through the middle of downtown, there is an enormous (90’!) tulip, as if the flower had, somehow, escaped the flower-cutting crews, year by year, for the past decade. Squint a bit, and you might notice that it’s not actually a tulip at all—but a smokestack! Painted like a tulip!

Similarly, a water tower in Spanaway has been painted to blend into the treeline it replaced, and concrete panels along I-5 proudly sport pictures of the foliage they’ve replaced. Why, one must thus ask, preserve the thing itself, when presenting the impression of the thing is so much more efficacious?

Rather than resort to environmentally unsound clear-cutting, tree-topping, or limb-lopping, perhaps we should consider view-washing the stands of offensive vegetation in order to meet the expectations of tidy tourist hordes. Some blue and white and aquamarine soy-based paint, applied weekly by local environmentally-minded artist types to each trunk, branch, twig and needle, perhaps. Or a template mass spraying from a computer-controlled central spraying nozzle, able to refresh the view each day depending on existent weather. What a joy it would be to be able to see what’s there despite what’s there!

Of course, Mass might come to different conclusions about his assertion that “the State seems to have a policy of letting trees grow” if he took a tour of other state-controlled managed forests. Many, it is true, are no longer recent clear cuts that offer stunning views. Second-growth has sprung forth. Others, however, are quite messily recently clear cut, offering the associated depressing views of stumps, slash, and erosion. Pretty in the eye of the woodcutter, perhaps.

Many island tourism promoters may tacitly admit the necessity of limbing or chopping or topping groves of trees such as surround Mount Constitution in order to suit tourist expectations. What are such trees, after all, but long-term tenants, obscuring the view of profitable tourism? Why should vegetation be exempt from the island’s ultra-tight rental housing crisis? Indeed, perhaps it’s time to subject State Park management to the VRBO market, to ensure productive asset utilization.

Others will realize that the aesthetic of environmentalism—the pretense of a view—is not what sustains our messy biome, or our place in it.

So. The next time you wander up Mount Constitution, and overhear a tourist (or Cliff Mass himself, karma be praised) complaining about the view, remain calm. Take a deep breath. Smile. Nod, and say, “Yep, there’s nothing to see here, folks. But the summit of Mount Pickett is sure worth the hike! You’ve gotta see it!”

Of course, your mileage may vary….