— a semi-regular humor column by Maurice Austin —
On a placid and calm commute from Orcas to Friday Harbor the other day, sun streaming through the windows and deck softly vibrating as if powered by a thousand purring kittens, it was all I could do to keep my eyes open. So relaxing! So boring!
Alas, the quiet didn’t last. Though the boat was mostly empty, a couple sat down in the adjacent booth and though he didn’t say much, it was only because she wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise. I turned up the volume on my iPod. Yawned. Watched the window.
A sad reality of living in close proximity to such a beautiful environment is that with each subsequent ferry ride, the view becomes that much less novel, that much less interesting, eventually losing the attention of its audience to the likes of three-year-old 1,000-piece jigsaw puzzles, which occupy several of the tables.
As I stared out the window, I saw a seal. It was swimming. It looked bored. We need some more marine life around here, I thought. The ferry purred on by, humming emptily. Marine life and…and aliens, I thought.
Thing is, if all inter-island runs are this empty at the peak of the season, how then is the ferry system—supposedly 70% funded by fares—to stay afloat? A more efficient business model is needed—one that fills seats by offering enhanced naturalistic viewing opportunities.
After all, Six Flags Magic Mountain’s oldest roller coaster (the 1976 Revolution) recently underwent an extensive renovation and was redubbed the New Revolution Virtual Reality Coaster. Some of the WSF fleet is of similar vintage, and would benefit from similar renovations.
Ever seen a pod of orcas on your ferry commute? I haven’t…though I’ve rushed out on deck a few times when the captain came over the intercom and told us look to port or whatever. (Do you think there are really whales nearby when they announce that? Or do they just get bored and decide to capriciously cause the entire ridership to whip out their cell phones and face port?)
Well, with Virtual Reality (VR) enhancement, we could be watching a pod of orcas frolicking alongside the ferry every leg of the trip—and other marine life, too. Never seen a minke whale? Take the VR-enhanced Lopez-Shaw route and observe the entire minke lifecycle from calf to cadaver. Curious about humpback feeding behavior? Well, aboard the New Yakima VR, you’ll watch in amazement as those behemoths use bubble nets to encircle feed right next to the gunwale!
Luckily, one problematic element of wearing a VR headset aboard a rollercoaster would be avoided on most ferry runs. Because rollercoasters tend to be rather agitating, the headsets must be securely secured with primary and uncomfortable secondary Velcro straps. On most calmer island runs, much less strap security is necessary, excepting perhaps on that one run in March which leads to headlines like “Cars thrown about as US Ferry battles giant waves.”
(What impressed me most about islanders on that boat was that after we’d reached calmer waters, and all of us stopped standing on our brake pedals, and the crew was milling about, passenger after passenger came afore bearing gifts—wheel chocks, mostly, but the saturated corpse of a broom was solemnly handed over, too.)
And why stop at actual marine life, when we could cater to the X-Box generation by providing a visual feast of, say, orca-alien interaction? Imagine elite alien S.E.A.L. teams combatting specially-trained ninja seals in a running battle for starfish resources and chiton- based intertidal defense zones! Imagine VR-enhanced ferry rafting trips through the bloodstream of a blue whale, or the digestive system of a sea cucumber! Imagine the kids, wheel-chock- looking things stuck to their faces, marveling out the windows at what isn’t there! What a joy that that would be!
And for the dyed-in- the-wool ridership, perhaps the VR experience could include such alien experiences as purchasing a cup of Ivar’s clam chowder aboard a state ferry, or sitting in the galley with a hot cup of fresh coffee, maybe a bagel or some fries or something.
I mean, wouldn’t that be unreal?
Of course, your nautical mileage may vary….
Ah….if only the ferry commission had the guts to put gambling devices on the top passenger level of the San Juan Islands Ferry fleet. Then money for replacement and maintenance would be available in abundance. Now that’s reality for real!
Charlie, you did it! You solved the finance problem!! It would even finance another boat!
Thank you.
Charges could be based on the excitement of the VR experience on each boat. Space aliens could be an E ticket ride. Or a patron could opt for the all-chick film ride, about whale mate-selection drama.
The funniest and most enjoyable writing all weekend —and I read it on the ferry coming home from Anacortes. Thanks, Maurice!