As the Paradigm Shifts | Dang it! There is love

What happens when I stop whining long enough to see what’s real?

||| AS THE PARADIGM SHIFTS by ROSIE KUHN |||

A while ago, in the middle of one of my self-pity parties — wailing on about not being loved, all alone — something unexpected happened. A quiet part of me spoke up and asked, “How is it possible that no one has ever loved you? Really!! How is it possible that you’ve lived all these years and never once experienced love?”

That question stopped me. It was humbling. Embarrassing, even.

There was a pause before a thought of truth arose: Maybe I’d been making it all up?

This question pointed to the possibility that perhaps the way I was perceiving my life was creating the story of being unloved. Conceivably, my orientation of being lonely and pathetic kept me in an illusion that had no basis in truth, whatsoever!!

I Hate these Epiphanies!!!

I hate when the wisdom within points me in the direction I’ve been ignoring and denying all along. I like being right. It keeps me invulnerable. It also keeps love from ever touching me.

What the Hell am I thinking!!!

So, I took a deep breath and tried something new: I asked myself to let go of the stories for just a few moments and really uncover the love underneath the whining.

Dang it — there was!

When I dropped the filters — the stories about parents, siblings, partners, even my children — I felt the love that had always been there. My shields, and theirs too, blocked me from receiving and experiencing the love that has always present. I had lived in the story of lack — not enough love — for decades. And yet in that one moment, I experienced what has always been true: love is everywhere, always — especially with those I had denied. JEESH!

Showing Up as Loved, Even When It’s Hard

I started this practice with the people who were hardest for me — those who stirred up my old stories of being unloved: the ones I saw as the offenders, who left me feeling exposed, betrayed, small.

Instead of sitting in bitterness and resentment for not being treated the way I thought I should, I practiced exploring a field beyond the lived-belief of unloved. It was like driving through morning fog — believing there was nothing beyond it. But as I let the fog dissolve, the truth came clear: I could feel the love each person held for me, regardless of their actions or attitudes.

That, for sure, was a paradigm shift!

Oh!!!”

Begrudgingly, and at the same time with a warm delight, I realized that instead of living as a person who is invisible, abandoned, and unlovable, I could consider the possibility of living as a person who is loved.

But that raises a question: How does a person who is loved show up?

For me, living as a person that is loved meant showing up as authentic, transparent me — whoever that was! It also meant letting go of anticipating rejection, of being vigilant for signs that I wasn’t enough.

I’ll tell you, this isn’t easy! So much of my life has been organized around the data of being unloved. To shift my default program to its opposite takes discipline — a lot of discipline.

I had to reprogram myself. Incrementally, I uncovered patterns of being that still relied on old beliefs. This required me to practice showing up with no agenda — not trying to get love, not angling to feel special — simply being grateful for the opportunity to be me, with the person in front of me, no matter what.

Where Do I Allow Love?

The other day, I received a note from my client, Andrew. He ended his communication with, “I love you, Rosie.” At first, I dismissed it, not allowing myself to deeply feel the truth of Andrew’s words. But because I’m writing this post, I took notice of my disregard of Andrew’s words. I went back to his note, and this time I let myself receive the love in his words. Again — hard work!

When I’m caught in that state of feeling unloved by those I’m most attached to, I sometimes have to draw on my experiences with the people in my life—like Andrew, where I already feel loved, at ease, undefended, and more able to receive.

I’m grateful for these individuals. They are touchstones, because they remind me there isn’t just one truth that I can believe about myself. I have to choose the perspective that I want to choose.

Maybe I am loved — and that with certain people, I simply haven’t allowed myself to know it and to allow it.

Through this practice, a shift happens. More freedom, fun, and flexibility show up. I experience my spontaneity, my playfulness, even my joy. I begin to appreciate who I am naturally — and even, in some ways, to love myself. And without my armor and defenses in place, the most surprising thing happens: there is more ease and flow with those people I felt rejected by. More often, we actually have a really good time. JEESH — who knew?!

A Common Dilemma

It’s not easy to give up a story I’ve lived by for decades. My clients wrestle with this too.

The other day, Sebastian said to me, “I want to quit coaching. I’m tired, and I don’t know how to navigate my life without my old strategies to protect me. It was easier living in my armored defenses.”

After his rant about wanting to quit coaching, I asked, “So, do you want to fire me?”

He laughed, then said, “And do what? Start over with someone else? What’s the point of that? These are not the results I expected, and I don’t know how to be with all of this. But I don’t know where to go or what to do. And no, I don’t want to quit.”

I get it. I’ve been there myself. Over and over again, I too face these same places of wanting to quit.

In these moments — when any of us, Sebastian in this case, is shifting from an old paradigm of fears and beliefs to one that invites him to be his fullest expression of his essential self — it’s really hard to know how to feel or think or move..
But more and more often, I welcome these moments. And that’s what I’m encouraging Sebastian to consider.

Why the Hell would I welcome that, and encourage others to do the same?

Because I’ve realized that, regardless of spiritual and religious teachings that God loves us, most of us live our lives in fear—gathering evidence that God or the Universe is working against us.

“Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I’ll go eat some worms.”

I see how that perspective doesn’t bring me, Sebastian, or anyone else joy. And if thoughts become things, then maybe experimenting with another perspective might bring about a different reality.

Why the Hell not?

The Universe is Always Working for Me

So I began asking myself: How is the Universe working for me? What is always coming to me? At first, the fog of negativity rolled in: nothing, nobody, not enough, blah, blah, blah. But sitting quietly, being patient with the process, I began to notice what the Universe is always bringing me.

Here’s what I see:

• Beauty — one of my top values in life. It’s everywhere, always, unless I’m looking for
  something else.
• Inspiration to be. Sometimes I have to wait, but it always comes.
• Opportunities to stretch myself and keep showing up. When I feel something that I don’t
  want to feel, I have the opportunity to tune in, to ignore, to allow it to move through the
  discomfort. I’m given the opportunity to be courageous to choose to see how the
  Universe is working in my favor, or not!
• Freedom to choose — I always have choice—even when I can’t see it–especially the
  choice to let go of stories that say I’m unlovable.
• My purpose — it expresses itself every moment. When I ask, “What’s my purpose?” all I
  need to do is notice how I’m being present right now. This is what’s mine to do!
• Creativity — even when I think I have nothing to write, the truth is I have 12 posts in
  progress, each working itself into full-term expression.
• Prosperity and connection — a wealth of wisdom, abundance, and like-hearted people. I
  can see this truth, or I can focus on what I think I should have but don’t.
• Opportunities to see how my old stories, judgments, and assumptions created a reality
  that was never ultimately true. JEESH!
• Opportunities to release and purge, physically, emotionally, mentally. What’s always
  coming is the courage and resilience to allow the discomfort to move through. Letting go
  of what isn’t required anymore. It has to go somewhere else, to make room for the good
  stuff that wants to be acknowledged and allowed expression.

The Universe — God, Source, the All — is always working in our favor. More than ever, I’m choosing to believe this. And through that belief, a more wonderful, loving reality is revealing itself — one where I’m becoming more comfortable being me.

Sebastian, too, is discovering this. He’s been tangled in the swirl of stories and beliefs, never realizing how much they’ve kept him from knowing and expressing who he really is. In many ways, I witness all the ways he has transitioned to a more loving and accepting view of himself, even though he can’t yet validate that for himself. But he’s only moments away from doing so—experiencing life without those voices telling him he’s unworthy of love. He’s so close!!!

We are all so close!!

Once that happens? That’s where we get to feel the love!!