I’m Not the Church Lady | Wait. What?

||| I’M NOT THE CHURCH LADY by ROSIE KUHN |||

Wait. What?

What happens when you encounter something you never knew to seek? Something for which you have no question? Something that doesn’t fit into anything you already know? And you aren’t doing a damn thing to make it happen?

My clients John and his wife, Brenda, have been working with me in couples coaching for almost a year. They have a good relationship. At the same time, they want to deepen their capacity to appreciate one another, delight in one another, and simply enjoy being together. They love each other very much. But, like most couples, habits, assumptions, and old protective
patterns that so easily arise between them can obscure love’s natural expression.

A few months ago, John began one of our sessions by saying, “I’m becoming aware, and I wasn’t expecting that.” He paused for a moment before trying to explain what he meant. As he shared with Brenda and me what had been quietly unfolding, it became clear that he wasn’t talking about learning another communication skill or gaining another insight. Something
far more subtle was happening.

At seventy-one years old, this highly successful man who believed he knew himself quite well, wasn’t expecting couples coaching to awaken him.

Week after week, John continues to be surprised by small, almost imperceptible moments of awareness. He doesn’t quite know what to do with them. They don’t fit into his familiar way of understanding himself and his world.

Awakening

Let’s be clear here. We’re not talking about transformation, transcendent experiences, or spiritual enlightenment. We’re talking about brief, almost imperceptible moments of knowing that arise just before the mind resumes doing what it has always done—sorting, explaining, interpreting, and making sense of experiences based on the reality within which one exists.

These moments can be so subtle that they’re easily missed. And yet, for John, they seem to be shifting everything.

Shifting Everything?

What happens when you encounter something you never knew to seek? Something for which you have no question? Something that doesn’t fit into anything you already know? What I love about this situation is that John wasn’t seeking anything. In fact, I suspect he was in couples coaching just to appease his wife!

But, like fragments of light reflected through a prism in a window, John is experiencing aspects of himself and his world that hadn’t previously been revealed to him. He’s surprised and somewhat unnerved. Yet he remains curiouser and curiouser!

John is encountering things he never imagined existed. This isn’t unusual for people who are present, awake, and open to the Isness of Is.

(Forgive me for jumping into the big abyss here with the Isness of Is. But the Isness IS! Everything that is, already is, whether we’re aware of it or not. And John is becoming increasingly aware of what has always been there, without trying, seeking, or doing any of that spiritually oriented stuff. He’s just being John!)

Seeking

We can only seek what we have some notion exists. We seek answers to questions we’ve already formulated. We seek experiences we’ve heard other people describe. We seek God through concepts and beliefs we’ve inherited. But what about everything we don’t know exists? How do we seek that?

We can’t!

For me, seeking is about looking for something we believe exists. Awakening begins when we encounter something we didn’t even know to look for.

And here’s what fascinates me. It’s not the discovery itself that is changing John. It’s the relationship he is developing with what has been discovered.

John doesn’t have to understand what’s happening. He doesn’t have to name it, explain it, or turn it into some grand spiritual accomplishment. He’s simply becoming available to what is revealing itself. And in that availability, something is changing. John is changing.

In our sessions, because our focus is on John and Brenda’s relationship, we rarely speak directly to what is awakening within John. However, incrementally, he’ll insert a thought that he describes as an unlikely one for him, saying, “I never saw it this way before.” Or, “I’ve never been able to articulate this feeling—or even feel this feeling.”

These are small moments. Nothing earth-shattering. No lightning bolts. No angels singing from the heavens. Just John, discovering that there’s a John than John ever imagined.

I so delight in witnessing what shows up when John shows up. And I think his wife, Brenda, is also delighted in her experience of John.

He’s coming to life. And nobody, not even John himself, knew he was asleep!